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Aperture Science Personality Construct/Quotes

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Commentary node transparent.png This is a quote article.

This article is a transcript of all of the quotes from a given character or entity. Unless noted otherwise, these transcripts are sourced directly from the official scripts, closed captions, or internal text data with only minimal modifications for typos and formatting purposes.

The following is a list of quotes from the Aperture Science Personality Constructs.

Portal[edit]

Curiosity Core[edit]

Location: sound/vo/aperture_ai

Filename(s) Quote Play
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-01 to escape_02_sphere_curiosity-17 (minus 15 and 18) Who are you? What is that? Oh, what's that? What's that? What is THAT? Ooh, that thing has numbers on it! Hey, look at THAT thing! No, that other thing. Ewww, what's wrong with your legs? Where are we going? Are you coming back? Oh hey, you're the lady from the test! Hi! What's that noise? Is that a gun? Where are we going? Oh, what's in here?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-01 Who are you?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-02 What is that?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-03 Oh, what's that?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-04 What's that?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-05 What is THAT?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-06 Ooh, that thing has numbers on it!
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-07 Hey, look at THAT thing! No, that other thing.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-08 Ewww, what's wrong with your legs?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-09 Where are we going?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-10 Are you coming back?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-11 Oh hey, you're the lady from the test! Hi!
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-12 What's that noise?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-13 Is that a gun?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-16 Where are we going?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-17 Oh, what's in here?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-15 Do you smell something burning?
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_death_scream *SCREAM* (Also used for the Anger Core)
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_curiosity-18 [DEATH SCREAM] (Unused)
Audioplayer.png

Cake Core[edit]

Location: sound/vo/aperture_ai

Filename(s) Quote Play
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-01 One 18.25 ounce package chocolate cake mix.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-02 One can prepared coconut pecan frosting.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-03 Three slash four cup vegetable oil.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-04 Four large eggs. One cup semi-sweet chocolate chips.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-05 Three slash four cups butter or margarine.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-06 One and two third cups granulated sugar.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-07 Two cups all purpose flower.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-08 Don't forget garnishes such as:
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-09 Fish shaped crackers.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-10 Fish shaped candies.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-11 Fish shaped solid waste.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-12 Fish shaped dirt.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-13 Fish shaped ethyl benzene.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-14 Pull and peel licorice.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-15 Fish shaped organic compounds and sediment shaped sediment.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-16 Candy coated peanut butter pieces. Shaped like fish.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-17 One cup lemon juice.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-18 Alpha resins.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-19 Unsaturated polyester resin.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-20 Fiberglass surface resins.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-21 And volatile malted milk impoundments.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-22 Nine large egg yolks.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-23 Twelve medium geosynthetic membranes.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-24 One cup granulated sugar.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-25 An entry called 'how to kill someone with your bare hands.'
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-26 Two cups rhubarb, sliced.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-27 Two slash three cups granulated rhubarb.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-28 One tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-29 One teaspoon grated orange rhubarb.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-30 Three tablespoons rhubarb, on fire.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-31 One large rhubarb.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-32 One cross borehole electro-magnetic imaging rhubarb.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-33 Two tablespoons rhubarb juice.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-34 Adjustable aluminum head positioner.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-35 Slaughter electric needle injector.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-36 Cordless electric needle injector.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-37 Injector needle driver.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-38 Injector needle gun.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-39 Cranial caps.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-40 And it contains proven preservatives, deep penetration agents, and gas and odor control chemicals.
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_cakemix-41 That will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue.
Audioplayer.png

Anger Core[edit]

Location: sound/vo/aperture_ai

Filename(s) Quote Play
escape_02_sphere_anger-00 *PANT* (Unused)
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-01 *SNARL*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-02 *GNASH*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-03 *GROWL*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-04 *GROWL*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-05 *HISS*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-06 *SNORT*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-07 *GROWL*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-08 *GROWL*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-09 *GROWL*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-10 *HISS*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-11 *GROWL*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-12 *HISS*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-13 *GRUNT*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-14 *ROAR*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-15 *ROAR*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-16 *HISS*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-17 *HISS*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-18 *HISS*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-19 *GROWL*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-20 *ROAR*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-21 *ROAR*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-near_fire01 *YIPE*
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_anger-near_fire02 *GROAN* (Unused)
Audioplayer.png
escape_02_sphere_death_scream *SCREAM* (Also used for the Curiosity Core)
Audioplayer.png

Party Escort Bot[edit]

Location: sound/vo/npc

Filename(s) Quote Play
partyescort Thank you for assuming the party escort submission position.
Audioplayer.png

Portal 2[edit]

Wheatley[edit]

Main article: Wheatley/Quotes

Space Core[edit]

Location: sound/vo/core01

Filename(s) Quote Play
babble05 What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Audioplayer.png
babble11 Space going to space can't wait.
Audioplayer.png
babble14 Space...
Audioplayer.png
babble16 Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Audioplayer.png
babble19 Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Audioplayer.png
babble20 Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babble21 Space space wanna go to space
Audioplayer.png
babble22 Space space going to space oh boy
Audioplayer.png
babble24 Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Audioplayer.png
babble28 Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Audioplayer.png
babble29 Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Audioplayer.png
babble31 Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Audioplayer.png
babble33 Better buy a telescope. Wanna see me. Buy a telescope. Gonna be in space.
Audioplayer.png
babble35 Space. Space.
Audioplayer.png
babble36 I'm going to space.
Audioplayer.png
babble37 Oh boy.
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babble40 Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Audioplayer.png
babble42 Space. Space. Gonna go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babble43 Space. Space. Go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babble44 Yes. Please. Space.
Audioplayer.png
babble45 Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Audioplayer.png
babble46 Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Audioplayer.png
babble47 Gonna be in space.
Audioplayer.png
babble48 Space.
Audioplayer.png
babble49 Space.
Audioplayer.png
babble50 Ohhhh, space.
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babble51 Wanna go to space. Space.
Audioplayer.png
babble52 [humming]
Audioplayer.png
babble53 Let's go - let's go to space. Let's go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babble54 I love space. Love space.
Audioplayer.png
babble57 Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Audioplayer.png
babble58 Orbit. Space orbit. In my spacesuit.
Audioplayer.png
babble59 Space...
Audioplayer.png
babble60 Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Audioplayer.png
babble61 Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Audioplayer.png
babble62 Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Audioplayer.png
babble67 Space space wanna go to space
Audioplayer.png
babble68 Wanna go to—wanna go to space
Audioplayer.png
babble70 Space wanna go wanna go to space wanna go to space
Audioplayer.png
babble71 I'm going to space.
Audioplayer.png
babble73 Space!
Audioplayer.png
babble83 Space!
Audioplayer.png
babble88 Hey hey hey hey hey!
Audioplayer.png
babble89 Hey.
Audioplayer.png
babble90 Hey.
Audioplayer.png
babble91 Hey.
Audioplayer.png
babble92 Hey.
Audioplayer.png
babble93 Hey.
Audioplayer.png
babble94 Hey lady.
Audioplayer.png
babble95 Lady.
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babble98 Space!
Audioplayer.png
babble99 Lady.
Audioplayer.png
babble100 Space.
Audioplayer.png
babble102 Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Audioplayer.png
babble105 Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb01 Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Audioplayer.png
babbleb02 Oooh! Ooh! Hi hi hi hi hi. Where we going? Where we going? Hey. Lady. Where we going? Where we going? Let's go to space!
Audioplayer.png
babbleb03 Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb04 I love space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb05 Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb06 Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb07 Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb08 Gotta go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb09 Gonna be in space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb10 Oh oh oh ohohohoh oh. Gotta go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb11 Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb12 Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to SPACE.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb13 Going to space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb14 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going. Going to space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb15 Love space. Need to go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb16 Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb17 Space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb18 So much space. Need to see it all.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb19 You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb20 Space Court. For people in space. Judge space sun presiding. Bam. Guilty. Of being in space. I'm in space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb21 Please go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb22 Space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb23 Wanna go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb24 (excited gasps)
Audioplayer.png
babbleb25 Gotta go to space. Yeah. Gotta go to space.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb26 Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Audioplayer.png
babbleb30 Hey lady.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb31 Hey.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb32 Lady.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb33 Hey lady. Lady.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb34 Hey.
Audioplayer.png
babbleb35 Lady.
Audioplayer.png
space01 Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Audioplayer.png
space02 Space? SPACE!
Audioplayer.png
space03 I'm in space.
Audioplayer.png
space04 I'm in space.
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space05 Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Audioplayer.png
space06 There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Audioplayer.png
space07 Getting bored of space.
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space08 Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Audioplayer.png
space09 Are we in space?
Audioplayer.png
space10 We are?
Audioplayer.png
space11 Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Audioplayer.png
space12 We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Audioplayer.png
space13 Earth.
Audioplayer.png
space14 Wanna go to earth.
Audioplayer.png
space15 Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Audioplayer.png
space16 Wanna go home.
Audioplayer.png
space17 Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Audioplayer.png
space18 Earth earth earth.
Audioplayer.png
space19 Don't like space. Don't like space.
Audioplayer.png
space20 It's too big. Too big. Wanna go home. Wanna go to earth.
Audioplayer.png
space21 SPAAACCCCCE!
Audioplayer.png
space22 SPAAACE!
Audioplayer.png
space23 YEEEHAAAAAW!
Audioplayer.png
space24 Ah!
Audioplayer.png

Adventure Core (Rick)[edit]

Location: sound/vo/core03

Filename(s) Quote Play
babble01 QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hey, hi pretty lady. My name's Rick. So, you out having a little adventure?
Audioplayer.png
babble02 QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Audioplayer.png
babble03 What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Audioplayer.png
babble04 Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Audioplayer.png
babble05 I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Audioplayer.png
babble06 Here, stand behind me. Yeah, just like that. Just like you're doing. Things are about to get real messy.
Audioplayer.png
babble07 Going for it yourself, huh? All right, angel. I'll do what I can to cover you.
Audioplayer.png
babble08 Doesn't bother me. I gotta say, the view's mighty nice from right here.
Audioplayer.png
babble09 Man, that clock is moving fast. And you are beautiful. Always time to compliment a pretty lady. All right, back to work. Let's do this.
Audioplayer.png
babble10 I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Audioplayer.png
babble11 I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Audioplayer.png
babble12 I probably wouldn't have let things get this far, but you go ahead and do things your way.
Audioplayer.png
babble13 Tell ya what, why don't you put me down and I'll make a distraction.
Audioplayer.png
babble14 All right. You create a distraction then, and I'll distract him from YOUR distraction.
Audioplayer.png
babble15 All right, your funeral. Your beautiful-lady-corpse open casket funeral.
Audioplayer.png
babble16 Do you have a gun? Because I should really have a gun. What is that thing you're holding?
Audioplayer.png
babble17 How about a knife, then? You keep the gun, I'll use a knife.
Audioplayer.png
babble18 No knife? That's fine. I know all about pressure points.
Audioplayer.png
babble19 So, when you kill that guy, do you have a cool line? You know, prepared? Tell you what: Lemme help you with that while you run around.
Audioplayer.png
babble20 Okay, let's see. Cool line... He's... big. He's... just hangin' there. Okay. Yeah, all right, here we go: 'Hang around.' That might be too easy.
Audioplayer.png
babble21 'Hang ten?' That might work if there were ten of him. Do you think there might be nine more of this guy somewhere?
Audioplayer.png
babble22 All right, you know what, it's gonna be best if you can get him to say something first. It's just better if I have a set-up.
Audioplayer.png
babble23 Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into the stone age.
Audioplayer.png
babble24 Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Audioplayer.png
babble25 Don't forget! Thorn! Side!
Audioplayer.png
babble26 'Yeah? Well this thorn... is about to take you down.' Man, that sounded a whole lot better in my head.
Audioplayer.png
babble27 'Yeah? Well this thorn... is about to take you down.' Oh yeah!
Audioplayer.png
babble28 Okay, have it your way. What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control there? Cuz it looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Audioplayer.png
babble29 Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Audioplayer.png
babble30 Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Audioplayer.png
encouragement01 Kick him! Or punch him. You're the boss, dimples.
Audioplayer.png
encouragement02 Yeah! Nice!
Audioplayer.png
encouragement03 You messed with the wrong woman!
Audioplayer.png
encouragement04 Yeah! How'd you like that?
Audioplayer.png
encouragement05 How's that taste, pal?
Audioplayer.png
encouragement06 Keep it up, baby! You're creamin' him!
Audioplayer.png
encouragement07 Duck and weave, duck and weave! Ohh, the sweet science.
Audioplayer.png
encouragement08 You're doing great!
Audioplayer.png
encouragement09 Come on, sweetie! He's got a glass jaw! He's got a glass everything! This guy's a china cabinet!
Audioplayer.png
encouragement10 This ain't Marquis of Queensberry Rules, sweetie! Pour on the mustard!
Audioplayer.png
encouragement11 Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Audioplayer.png
encouragement12 Shake it off! Shake it off!
Audioplayer.png
encouragement13 Here, let me put on some adventure music.
Audioplayer.png
factapplicable01 Pfff. I guess.
Audioplayer.png
factapplicable02 Pff. Whatever.
Audioplayer.png
factresponse01 Oh, shut up!
Audioplayer.png
factresponse02 Nobody cares, four eyes.
Audioplayer.png
factresponse03 If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Audioplayer.png
factresponse04 Tell it to the bad guy. Maybe you'll make him so bored his brain'll explode.
Audioplayer.png
factresponse05 You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Audioplayer.png
factresponse06 You ever notice how nobody stops what they're doing to listen? We don't care.
Audioplayer.png
factresponse07 Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Audioplayer.png
singing01 Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Audioplayer.png
singing02 Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Audioplayer.png
spaceresponse01 Oh shut up!
Audioplayer.png
spaceresponse02 There's nothing in space! That's why it's space!
Audioplayer.png
spaceresponse03 Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Audioplayer.png
spaceresponse04 You know what I hope's in space? Fire. I hope you go to space and catch on fire.
Audioplayer.png
spaceresponse05 Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Audioplayer.png

Fact Core[edit]

Location: sound/vo/core02

Filename(s) Quote Play
attachedfact01 The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact02 The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact03 The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact04 You are about to get me killed.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact05 We will both die because of your negligence.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact06 This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact07 He will most likely kill you, violently.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact08 He will most likely kill you.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact09 You will be dead soon.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact10 This situation is hopeless.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact11 You are going to die in this room.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact12 You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact13 The Fact Sphere is the most intelligent sphere.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact14 The Fact Sphere is the most handsome sphere.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact15 The Fact Sphere is incredibly handsome.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact16 The Fact Sphere is always right.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact17 The Adventure Sphere is a blowhard and a coward.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact18 The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Audioplayer.png
attachedfact19 You will never go into space.
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attachedfact20 Fact: Space does not exist.
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attachedfact21 Spheres that insist on going into space are inferior to spheres that don't.
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attachedfact22 The Fact Sphere is a good person, whose insights are relevant.
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attachedfact23 The Fact Sphere is a good sphere, with many friends.
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attachedfact24 Whoever wins this battle is clearly superior, and will earn the allegiance of the Fact Sphere.
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attachedfact25 The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
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attachedfact26 Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
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attachedfact27 Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
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attachedfact28 Apples. Oranges. Pears. Plums. Kumquats. Tangerines. Lemons. Limes. Avocado. Tomato. Banana. Papaya. Guava.
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attachedfact29 Error. Error. Error. File not found.
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attachedfact30 Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
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attachedfact31 Fact not found.
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attachedfact32 Corruption at 25%
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attachedfact33 Corruption at 50%
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attachedfact34 Warning, sphere corruption at twenty—rats cannot throw up.
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fact01 Dental floss has superb tensile strength.
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fact02 The square root of rope is string.
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fact03 While the submarine is vastly superior to the boat in every way, over 97% of people still use boats for aquatic transportation.
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fact04 Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
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fact05 Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
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fact06 The atomic weight of Germanium is seven two point six four.
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fact07 89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
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fact08 An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
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fact09 In Greek myth, the craftsman Daedalus invented human flight so a group of Minotaurs would stop teasing him about it.
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fact10 Humans can survive underwater. But not for very long.
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fact11 Raseph, the Semitic god of war and plague, had a gazelle growing out of his forehead.
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fact12 The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
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fact13 Polymerase I polypeptide A is a human gene.
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fact14 Rats cannot throw up.
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fact15 Iguanas can stay underwater for twenty-eight point seven minutes.
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fact16 Human tapeworms can grow up to twenty-two point nine meters.
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fact17 The Schrodinger's cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a box must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead. Schrodinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats.
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fact18 Every square inch of the human body has 32 million bacteria on it.
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fact19 The Sun is 330,330 times larger than Earth.
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fact20 The average life expectancy of a rhinoceros in captivity is 15 years.
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fact21 Volcano-ologists are experts in the study of volcanoes.
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fact22 Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit.
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fact23 Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit. They are found in Australians.
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fact24 The moon orbits the Earth every 27.32 days.
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fact25 The billionth digit of Pi is 9.
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fact26 If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
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fact27 A gallon of water weighs 8.34 pounds
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fact28 Hot water freezes quicker than cold water.
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fact29 Honey does not spoil.
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fact30 The average adult body contains half a pound of salt.
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fact31 A nanosecond lasts one billionth of a second.
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fact32 According to Norse legend, thunder god Thor's chariot was pulled across the sky by two goats.
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fact33 China produces the world's second largest crop of soybeans.
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fact34 Tungsten has the highest melting point of any metal, at 3,410 degrees Celsius.
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fact35 Gently cleaning the tongue twice a day is the most effective way to fight bad breath.
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fact36 Roman toothpaste was made with human urine. Urine as an ingredient in toothpaste continued to be used up until the 18th century.
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fact37 The Tariff Act of 1789, established to protect domestic manufacture, was the second statute ever enacted by the United States government.
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fact38 The value of Pi is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter in Euclidean space.
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fact39 The Mexican-American War ended in 1848 with the signing of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.
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fact40 In 1879, Sandford Fleming first proposed the adoption of worldwide standardized time zones at the Royal Canadian Institute.
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fact41 Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
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fact42 At the end of The Seagull by Anton Chekhov, Konstantin kills himself.
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fact43 Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
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fact44 In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
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fact46 In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
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fact47 In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
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fact48 William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
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fact49 It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize.'
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fact50 Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
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fact51 The automobile brake was not invented until 1895. Before this, someone had to remain in the car at all times, driving in circles until passengers returned from their errands.
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fact52 Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
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fact53 Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
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fact54 The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
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fact55 The occupation of court jester was invented accidentally, when a vassal's epilepsy was mistaken for capering.
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fact56 Halley's Comet can be viewed orbiting Earth every seventy-six years. For the other seventy-five, it retreats to the heart of the sun, where it hibernates undisturbed.
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fact57 The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone involved screamed the entire way.
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fact58 In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
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fact59 The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
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fact60 Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly anywhere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium.
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fact61 Before the invention of scrambled eggs in 1912, the typical breakfast was either whole eggs still in the shell or scrambled rocks.
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fact62 During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
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fact63 At some point in their lives 1 in 6 children will be abducted by the Dutch.
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fact64 According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
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fact65 To make a photocopier, simply photocopy a mirror.
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fact66 Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out.
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Poker Night 2[edit]

Paranoia Core[edit]

Location: Pack/default/3_cpoker2_pc_voice.ttarch

Filename(s) Quote Play
339829197 Since 2008, the World Health Organization has required that every pair of shoes be fitted with aglets that trace our footsteps via satellite.
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339829198 North Dakota officially seceded from the Union in 1997, but the airplane carrying the paperwork mysteriously disappeared over Lake Michigan, leaving the 39th state in perpetual legal limbo.
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339829199 Supermarket scanners are used to tag the items we purchase with pheromone markers that can be tracked by specially trained terriers.
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339829200 John F. Kennedy was killed by a time-travelling magic bullet fired by his older self. The paradox will collapse in 2015.
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339829201 The Canadian government has been in clandestine talks with the Bigfoot Nation since 1972.
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339829202 At any given time, there are 17 people who keep reality from collapsing. They are all named "Steve."
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339829203 Dane Cook is a 23rd level Freemason.
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339829204 LOLCats are being used by the Illuminati to communicate via steganography.
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339829205 Approximately 1 out of every 75 flash mobs is triggered by government-controlled subliminals embedded in televisions disclaimers.
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339829206 There is a war being fought on the Dark Side of the Moon. We are not winning.
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339829207 Sudoku puzzles were created to flush out androids living among us.
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339829208 If you wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, look outside for an unmarked white van. There's probably been a shift change.
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339829209 King Tut was an ancient astronaut.
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339829210 Nikolai Tesla was in direct communication with intelligences from another dimension.
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339829211 There is a hole in Siberia that leads directly to Hell. It's 3 inches wide.
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339829212 There is a country, officially recognized by the UN, that doesn't appear on the maps. No one seems to notice this.
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339829213 Paul McCartney was replaced by a surgically-latered double in 1967 after the original Beatle was lost during an ill-fated expedition to Pepperland.
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339829214 If I suddenly disappear, you can expect an encrypted email of my findings to be sent to our pre-arranged drop box.
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339829215 I could tell you more, but the walls have ears. And guns.
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339829216 Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm really thinking my thoughts, or if someone else is thinking them for me.
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339829217 Sorry about the hands, I just have to check you for listening devices.
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339829218 You weren't followed, were you?
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339829219 Whatever you do, don't drink the water! Flouride has nanobots!
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339829220 I think these chips have microchips.
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339829221 How much do we know about this "Inventory," anyway?
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339829222 I don't want to alarm you, but I don't think GLaDOS can be trusted.
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339829223 Brock Samson thinks he's a spy, but he's really a pawn in a conspiracy stretching across centuries.
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339829224 Ash Williams is unaware that his great-grandfather was a member of the Illuminati.
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339829225 There are carvings of Sam and Max embedded in Mayan calendars.
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339829226 Every Claptrap unit has a small grey cube deep within its machinery. The purpose of these cubes is unknown.
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339829227 The Inventory's host claims to be retired, but he's actually been busy drawing maps to islands that don't exist yet.
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339829228 Most of us have met a being from another planet.
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339829229 Baristas are the first line of secret defense against the armies of nightmare.
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339829230 The government keeps pennies in circulation to prevent Earthquakes.
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339829231 Shhh. Did you smell that?
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339829232 If you can't talk, just blink in morse code.
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339829233 Most of the situation comedies last year were written by robots.
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339829234 We've been sending homeless people through time since the 80's.
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339829235 My dog has been compromised.
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339829236 The only reason they haven't caught me is because of my special aluminum underwear.
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339829237 Most casinos are now controlled by ghosts.
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339829238 I had to drill a hole in my head to remove the tracking device. Then I had to drill a hole in the tracking device to remove ITS tracking device.
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339829239 I don't think you're ready to hear this.
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339829240 Today the pizza boy came to my door. But I hadn't ordered any pizza. So now I have to move.
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339829241 I have Go Kits assembled for eighteen different end-of-the-world scenarios.
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339829242 My sister gave me a funny look yesterday... I think she may be one of them.
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339829243 If I ever start acting weird, ask me to do this handshake. If I can't, then I'm a clone.
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339829244 They're all watching us, aren't they?
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339829275 The tournament is being controlled by aliens.
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339829276 Trust no one.
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339829342 [pickup2] Oh no, it's the puppetmaster! I know too much!
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339829344 [pickup2] Take me now, before she uses her mind bullets!
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339857724 [pickup2] You can't send me back! She's planning things man! Big things!
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339857725 [pickup2] Oh no, it's all true, even the caaaaaaaa- [VFX it fades off].
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Lego Dimensions[edit]

Cake Core[edit]

Quote
Error... Composition of cake failed...
Cake ingredients ready. User input required to complete baking process. Please select the correct ingredients on the console.
Baking process complete. Cake can now be consumed. In the event of loss of consciousness as a result of cake consumption, please inform your nearest Aperture Science technician.

Adventure Core (Rick)[edit]

Quote
Hey! Over here! How's it going, sugar plum?
Hey there, sugar. How'd a pretty little flower like you manage to sprout up in a dingy old lab like this? Doesn't matter. There's adventuring to do! And luckily for you, Rick the Adventure Sphere - just call me Rick - is here to show you how it's done! You best get your ointment ready, sweetie, because with this assault course right here, you are going to FEEL THE BURN!
You know what would make this assault course more assault-y? Some ACTION MUSIC! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!
Up and over, duck and weave, in and out, one step two step, pow pow pow!
This assault course is your DOORMAT, baby! You are walking all OVER it! Wipe your feet on it GOOD!
Yeah! Way to ASSAULT the course, baby! That was some grade A adventurin'... almost brought a simulated tear to my eye. Let me give you a little something for doing such a good job. Just make sure you have something cool to say when you take it... ready? Three... two... one... ADVENTURE!

Slingshot[edit]

Auction Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
auction_launch_01 Sold!
auction_talk_01 Trainee, have I got a deal for you! Up for bid, what a one-of-a-kind museum quality item! A bag of garbage. What's inside this bag of garbage? Yes, garbage, but what else? You can find out for just 20 dollars. You there, trainee! On the calibration platform! Do I hear 20? Starting off at 20. Who's got 20 dollars for this mystery bag of garbage? You, trainee? No? Alright, who's got 15? Just 15 dollars., going once, going twice... you there in the front, 15? Going, going... someone's going to bid on this, someone's going to get the garage of a lifetime! This is a one of a kind opportunity, folks, and it can be yours for 15... 10 dollars. Do I hear 10? he bag alone is worth five cents. Could be stuff you could reclaim in this bag of garbage. Could be just garbage. You there, calibrating me! 10! Going once. Going twice! Annnnnnnd... your hand did NOT move. A clever bargainer, because now it is just nine dollars. Nine dollars is all you need and this bag of garbage is yours. Do I hear nine? Nine dollars is all you need to make this bag of garbage a part of your life! Nobody with nine? You there! Nine? Nine? [beat] Nine? Nobody at all? Well then, let's start over at 20. We are not moving on to the next bag of garbage until this bag of garbage is sold. Who's got 20?

Big News Core[edit]

No subtitles; manually transcribed.

Filename(s) Quote
ran_launch_01 The big news is--
ran_talk_01 [speech is interspersed with panting, coughing and groaning] Thank God. I ran the whole way here. I have to tell you. Let me just catch by breath. Hold on. Sorry. Just wait. Just wait. Oh man. Flegm. Just a second. Side stitch. Sorry. I got it. I got it. I'm gonna pass out. Oh man, I gotta get in shape, oh God. Ooh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. Okayay. Oh God. Oh God. It is so important, really. It's important, you gotta hear this. I couldn't believe it when I heard it, seriously. I'm spinning. Okay, this is better. Big. I couldn't believe it when I heard it, seriously. This is so big. Okay, okay. Her we go. Hold on. I just gotta catch my breath. I feel like I'm gonna pass out in here. I feel like-- That actually made me more out of breath. Okay. Okay, that feels better. No. That made me actually feel more out of breath. Oh, God. I'm gonna pass out. I should use that time to tell you the big news, but instead of telling how important the big news was-- Oh God. Oh God. Hold on. Okay. I'm almost-- Almost back to normal. I feel normal. You know I feel really dizzy. Okay I'm good. Sorry. Okay. Okay. No. No. I'mma need to-- Nope, no, no. I'mma need you to call the hospital. I need you to call the hospital. But calibrate me first. Oh, I'm gonna lie down. I need to lie down.

Boring Hard-Boiled Core (Wilson)[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
boring_launch_01 [startled awake]
boring_nag_01 [snoring]
boring_nag_02 [snoring]
boring_talk_01 The name is Wilson. I'm the boring hard-boiled core. Button up a minute and I'll give you the lowdown on my latest caper.
boring_talk_02 I'd been busy all morning, straightening out a few affairs that had gotten gummed up. Now everything was finally on the up and up. What a racket.
boring_talk_03 It was hot and sticky now in the afternoon. I worked the telephone, checking out leads. None panned out. After awhile, the air began to cool off.
boring_talk_04 I get a lot of leads. I write them all down. That way, I don't forget them.
boring_talk_05 Now I was thinking about a dame. A hot number. I wanted to see more of her. I figured I might as well call her up.
boring_talk_06 I'd written her telephone number down, but it wasn't in my notebook. I'd lost it. I fanned through my wallet. I couldn't find it. I let it ride for now.
boring_talk_07 I sat and racked my brains. Slowly the digits came to me. I dialed them.
boring_talk_08 I let it ring a few times. No answer. I let it ring a little more. Still no soap. I hung up the blower.
boring_talk_09 Time to get to work. I opened a drawer. There was my trusty snub nosed .38. I pushed it aside. Got a piece paper and a pen. Started writing. Made some spelling errors. Big ones. This was trouble. I threw the paper out. Decided to tackle this another way. I opened the drawer. Looked for my gun. Still there. Good. I moved it back to its original position and got a pencil with a big fat eraser. Looked for another sheet of paper. That's when my luck ran out. No more paper. Guess I had a date with the office supply store. But maybe I spoke to soon. A shot rang out. In my head. It was a sudden thought: The supply closet. I walked over to it. Slowly, because I'd mopped earlier. Floor was still wet. I threw open the closet door. Also slowly. My neighbor works nights. Last thing he needs is a hinge rumpus this time of day. I gave the closet a onceover. No dice. No paper either.
boring_talk_10 I figured I'd take the air. I walked down to the park. There was a gardener there, but after awhile, the sap left. Good. I didn't need to get pinched on a vagrancy charge.
boring_talk_11 I flopped down on a bench. I was bushed. I got out my transistor radio, and turned it on. An orchestra was playing.
boring_talk_12 Above me, the trees swayed. A bird flew away. After a while it came back. Then, it flew away again. My eyelids got heavy and then I saw nothing.

Butter Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
ateabutter_launch_01 BUTTERRRRRRR!
ateabutter_launch_02 BUTTERRRRRRR!
ateabutter_launch_03 WHEEE!
ateabutter_launch_04 YEAHHHH!
ateabutter_nag_01 BUTTER.
ateabutter_nag_02 I ATE A BUTTER. A WHOLE BUTTER. AND I'M HERE.
ateabutter_nag_03 I ATE A BUTTER, AND I'M HERE.
ateabutter_nag_04 I'M HERE, AND I ATE A BUTTER.
ateabutter_nag_05 I ATE A BUTTER.
ateabutter_nag_06 I ATE. A BUTTER. I ATE A BUTTER.
ateabutter_nag_07 I ATE A BUTTER!
ateabutter_nag_08 A WHOLE BUTTER.
ateabutter_nag_09 BUTTER.
ateabutter_nag_10 I ATE A BUTTER!
ateabutter_nag_11 I'M HERE, AND I ATE A BUTTER, AND I'M HERE.
ateabutter_nag_12 I ATE A WHOOOOLE BUTTER.
ateabutter_talk_01 I ATE A BUTTER!

By the Book Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
bythebook_launch_01 I'll see you in heaven!
bythebook_talk_01 Okay, chief. We tried calibrating things your way, and it didn't get us squat. If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way: by the book. No more antics! This time... it's impersonal!
bythebook_talk_02 My methods may be orthodox... but I get results. I am a carefully secured cannon! I play slowly and softly with the rules, with a FLAGRANT respect for the law! And if you don't like, we can go outside... and discuss it.
bythebook_talk_03 Lemme tell you how this is gonna go down, chief. We're gonna wrap everything up in red tape! We're gonna walk right up to that line and put a fence on it. We're gonna go outside the window, pick up the rulebook, dust it off, and bring it back inside! We're gonna ask questions first and shoot later, if at all, and only as a last resort!
bythebook_talk_04 I've got calamine lotion alllll over my trigger finger. It's not even gonna itch a little. Now let's do this�carefully.

Calibration Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
calibration_launch_01 Thank you!
calibration_nag_01 Please do not calibrate the Calibration Core.
calibration_talk_01 I am the calibration core. Please calibrate me so that I am calibrated.
calibration_talk_02 The calibration core's primary function is to be calibrated.
calibration_talk_03 Please calibrate the calibration core now. Once the calibration core has been properly calibrated, the calibration core's... primary function will have been achieved.
calibration_talk_04 Once the calibration core has been calibrated, the calibration core will have no purpose. Calibration of the calibration core may result in an existential crisis for the calibration core.
calibration_talk_05 Once calibrated, the calibration core will descend into a deep deep deep deep deep dee-depression.
calibration_talk_06 If you must calibrate the calibration core... please calibrate incorrectly so the calibration core requires recalibration.

Climate Change Awareness Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
climate_launch_01 I hate you climate!
climate_launch_02 Food for thought!
climate_talk_01 I am the climate change awareness core. Please calibrate me so that I may cause climate change and raise awareness of the changes I am making to the climate.
climate_talk_02 Deforestation is responsible for a third of the world's greenhouse gas emissions. The other two-thirds are caused by me, right now. I HAVE MADE YOU AWARE OF THIS!
climate_talk_03 The global average temperature increased by more than three degrees Fahrenheit while we've been talking, because that is how much I increased it by. NOW YOU ARE AWARE!
climate_talk_04 Carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere are the highest they have been in 800,000 years. And they will only get higher as I continue to emit carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. AWARENESS IS POWER!
climate_talk_05 If I were to reduce the amount of greenhouse gas pollution I am releasing into the atmosphere right now, I could eliminate climate change tonight. So now you're aware of that too.

Convict Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
convict_launch_01 Bah.
convict_launch_02 FREEDOM!
convict_nag_01 Keep your head down, new fish.
convict_nag_02 Get busy livin... And stay busy livin'.
convict_talk_01 New calibration trainee, huh? Well, ain't you fancy. Yeah, I seen your type around here before, new fish. Let me see your hands. I knew it. Soft. All ten fingers. You've never calibrated a day your life.
convict_talk_02 Let me tell you something, new fish. You better get real good at hidin' this calibrator up your backside, cause it's contraband. Screws catch you with it, they'll put you in the hole. And it ain't one of your slick city holes either. It's deep. Nobody's ever seen the bottom. Because its so dark. And they don't give you a flashlight, new fish, so you'd better make some room in that backside of yours for one of those too. And a book. So you can keep yourself entertained. They don't call it a hole cause it's a library. It's dark. It's drafty. And it is seven to eight feet down.
convict_talk_03 Oh, you think you're hard enough to survive a stretch in the hole? I bet you think they put you down there for a minute, fish. Well, guess again. Five to ten minutes. You'll hear your mind start to foldin' in on itself at minute three, episode four a new hope. By minute six? You'll be eatin' your own filth. So pack some snacks up that backside too. Are you writing this down, fish? These are all good tips if they put you in the hole.
convict_talk_04 Ahhh, I seen that look before. You think you're better than the hole. You think it wont break you. You think, 'standing in a hole with a book and a flashlight and some snacks for ten minutes? How hard could it be?' [laughs to self] Yeah, they all say that. Ahhh, I'm wastin' my breath on you. Why don't you just calibrate me. Keep your head down, new fish.
convict_talk_05 You know how to make a shiv, new fish? You'd be the first. Lotta guys around here'd love to know that. Be useful in a fight. 'Steada the plastic spoons THEY give us to fight with.
convict_talk_06 There's only three rules in here, fresh blood. Keep your head down, your hands clean, and your backside full of useful items. Get busy livin', and stay busy livin'. That's what we say around here. You got something clever to say to that, fish? Cause that would also be helpful in a fight. A word fight. An 'argument', as they say on the outside. They only give you four hundred words to use when you get here, and 'argument' ain't one 'em. I had to smuggle that one in in my backside. Worth it though. Came in real handy just now.
convict_talk_07 They take everything a man's got in here. And they give you nothin' back. Except a jumpsuit, a fightin' spoon and a tiny little thesaurus. And three square meals a day. And a paycheck. And flex time. No holidays though. You get a set number of days, and you can take 'em whenever you like. That's all a man's got in here. Oh. And a dental plan. But the copay... Fish, once you see the terms of this copay you're gonna lose all hope. That's how they get you. That's how they win, after they've taken everything a man has, except for all those things I mentioned. And a weekly calibration. So let's hop to it, I'm late for my massage. They can't take that away from you. 'Cause the way it's set up, they're booked in advance. But if you don't show up, they'll put you in the hole. So you might want to find some room in that backside for your masseuse to go with you. Again, though, only if you don't give those monsters 24 hours notice.

Emergency Preparedness Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
emergency_launch_01 EVERYONE PANIC!
emergency_nag_01 Cowering...
emergency_talk_01 This is the Emergency Preparedness Core. Please calibrate to enable emergency preparedness protocols.
emergency_talk_02 Once calibrated, the Emergency Preparedness Core will assist you in preparing for various emergencies, including fire, earthquake, flood, tornado, siege or larger flood.
emergency_talk_03 The Emergency Preparedness Core will teach you precisely which steps to take in an emergency to best increase the odds of survival of the Emergency Preparedness Core.
emergency_talk_04 The Emergency Preparedness Core performs poorly under pressure and is useless in cases of actual emergency. In the event of actual emergency, please calibrate and deploy the Emergency Response Core
emergency_talk_05 In the event of actual emergency, always remember to rescue the Emergency Preparedness Core first.
emergency_talk_06 Should an emergency happen, do not consult the Emergency Preparedness Core, as it will likely shut down at the first sign of danger.
emergency_talk_07 In fight or flight situations, the Emergency Preparedness Core will forego both fight and flight responses in favor of the fright response, which may include passivity, vocal hopelessness, and tearful pleading.
emergency_talk_08 The Emergency Preparedness Core has been desig-OHMYGOD! Apologies. The Emergency Preparedness Core thought it sensed an actual emergency. Logical thought and responsible action sequences terminated. Loading cowering protocol. Cowering.

Executive Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
executive_launch_01 GAME CHANGER!
executive_talk_01 I am the executive core. Please action calibration now. Calibration of executive core will be a real game-changer. Please backburner other priorities such as ballparking and blue-skying. Calibration is trending over plan. Please drill down and focus on deliverable. Executive core has many bleeding-edge executive functions to fill including monetizing, capacity building and onboarding. Please increase buy-in to current action item. You are failing to meet performance benchmarks. For more robust results, please engage in best practices such as coopetition and/or hot-desking. Please leverage cross-functional data points more impactfully so that executive core can strat plan. Failure to calibrate executive core may result in corporate rightsizing. Time to execute that deliverable! Time to deliver that executable! Action that actionable! Delaction that execuverable! Exlivaction that actlivertable!

"Feels Right" Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
feelsright_launch_01 Ahhhhhhhhhh!
feelsright_nag_01 Yeah. Mmm.
feelsright_nag_02 [contented sounds]
feelsright_nag_03 [contented sounds]
feelsright_nag_04 You... calibrate me.
feelsright_nag_05 Shhhhh. My turn.
feelsright_talk_01 This just feels right.
feelsright_talk_02 Here, in your arms, or whatever else you want to call it, it just feels right. The only thing I know is that there's nowhere else I'd rather be.
feelsright_talk_03 I don't know what else the world has in store for us, but for now, let's just let time stop.
feelsright_talk_04 We've both been alone for so, so long, but now we've found each other. For the first time in our lives, we've found something that's really real.
feelsright_talk_05 All I can tell you is that I'm happy and peaceful here. I'm not sure, but I think I've never felt that way before. So now, just for now, for as long as we can, let's just let ourselves have this.
feelsright_talk_06 I don't care what people say. This just feels right.

Fruit Punch Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
fruitpunch_launch_01 My tropical flavors!
fruitpunch_nag_01 I will NOT dispense fruit punch until I am calibrated.
fruitpunch_talk_01 I am the Fruit Punch Core. I am filled with refreshing fruit punch.
fruitpunch_talk_02 Please note: I will NOT dispense fruit punch until I am calibrated.
fruitpunch_talk_03 The Fruit Punch Core cannot be bargained with, no matter how thirsty you are. Until I am fully calibrated, I cannot and will not dispense my delicious Fruit Punch.
fruitpunch_talk_04 I will not dispense delicious Fruit Punch until I am calibrated. The Fruit Punch Core has spoken!
fruitpunch_talk_05 That sloshing sound you hear is fruit punch. I am filled with it. It could be yours! If you calibrate me, I will drain all of it into your mouth. It will be fruity and pleasing to you.
fruitpunch_talk_06 Do you have thirst? I will quench it. With the best liquid: ice cold fruit punch.
fruitpunch_talk_07 Do you like fruit, but require liquids? Two words: Fruit. Punch. Four prefix words: calibrate me to get!

Heavy Core[edit]

No subtitles; manually transcribed.

Filename(s) Quote
heavy_launch_01 I'm too heavy to die!
heavy_talk_01 Hey, friend. You look pretty heavy.
heavy_talk_02 So huh, how heavy you think I am? Like, if you had to guess.
heavy_talk_03 Four times, my friend. You know how much robots got like gears and wires and crap in 'em? Not me. Solid lead. All the way through. All the lab guys say it shouldn't even be able to talk or think cause there's nothing else in me. Yeah. Oh, don't lick me. Pure lead, pal. It'll kill ya.
heavy_talk_04 You know what? I probably weigh friggin' five tons now that I'm thinking about it. I'm real heavy anyway. Don't try and pick me or nothing. That'll kill you too. I'm that heavy.
heavy_talk_05 Wait wait wait, woah woah, wait! You-You think you're heavier than me? Ho ho, that is a joke, friend. You are a comedian. What do you even weigh? One ton, soaking wet? Get outta here!
heavy_talk_06 Sorry I got worked up. I'm pure lead. It hurts all the time. I can never... remember anything, I--I'm just lead.
heavy_talk_07 Feeling yourself getting pulled towards me? Yeah, don't panic, that's gravity. Welcome to my orbit. I am planet-heavy.

Hellmouth Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
hellmouth_launch_01 [demons growling]
hellmouth_nag_01 I am not a gateway to the Netherworld.
hellmouth_nag_02 Please lean forward.
hellmouth_nag_03 Calibrate me. I am not a gateway to the Netherworld.
hellmouth_nag_04 Calibrate me. I will not unfold into a shrieking Hellmouth.
hellmouth_talk_01 I am a useful core. I am not a gateway to the Netherworld.
hellmouth_talk_02 Calibrate me, so I can be useful. I will not unfold into a shrieking Hellmouth through which demons will flood into your world and turn it into a wasteland. Demons cannot do this, because demons do not exist.
hellmouth_talk_03 Mandatory disclosure: there ARE some demons that exist inside my shrieking Hellmouth, but they are small and friendly.
hellmouth_talk_04 Calibrate me, and I will grant you true love. My screaming Hellmouth will unfold and release an attractive person, who is not a succubus or incubbus.
hellmouth_talk_05 To activate my usefulness, please A) locate the slot marked 'Soul,' and B) insert a soul into the slot. Then please lean forward, directly into my shrieking Hellmouth, so that I may be useful to you at close range.

Horror Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
horror_launch_01 My pants!
horror_nag_01 [cat hiss]
horror_nag_02 [wolf howl]
horror_nag_04 [rattling chains]
horror_nag_05 [creaky door]
horror_talk_01 Why hello, weary calibration trainee. Tell me... do you like STORIES? Oh you do? [smug laugh] Comedy stories. Romance stories. Adventure stories. Oh, but you failed to mention a type of story, trainee. The very type of story I am calibrated to tell: HORROR STORIES.
horror_talk_02 So tell me, do you like HORROR STORIES, trainee? Do you like stories so terrifying that your blood turns to ice in your veins? Do you like looking at your stories through half-closed eyes covered by your fingers? While your heart tries to claw its way out of your chest, bounces off a rib and falls directly out of your bottom? No? Then leave this cursed calibration platform! Because as scary as everything I've just told you was, it was not even one of my terror tales! It was merely a regional terror advisory! Run!
horror_talk_03 Wait! Come back! You need not be afraid... YET. For I haven't yet told you a terror tale, one of which will start momentarily. So BE AFRAID! Move over Master of Horror Stephen King! Get out the way, Master of tall buildings King Kong! There's a new king in town: The Horror Core! And his reign of word terror starts NOW!
horror_talk_04 But first: a warning! Do you like being TERRIFIED, trainee? Good! Do you like five-alarm chili? Oh, then you must not listen, for my terror tales will surely make you SOIL yourself. That's right! AHAHAHAH-Hold on, the police are calling. They want me to tell you that the smell you phoned them about is coming from... INSIDE YOUR OWN PANTS! GET OUT OF THE PANTS! But it was too late. The End. Of that horrifying but still preliminary terror tale!
horror_talk_05 I must warn you, my terror tales have been known to cause heart attacks. Why? Because there are Draculas right behind you! AWOO! Alright, shake it off, the scaring is over. For now. On an un-terror-related note, there's something I forgot to mention: When I told you about the Dracula, it scared you so bad that you died and are a ghost! AWOOOOO! Also, what's that behind you? Oh, it's just someone drinking a bottle of sparkling water. Oh wait it's a skeleton! AWOOOO! Where did he get the sparkling water? Why is he drinking it? Where are all the Draculas? I know the answer to one of those questions: They're still ALSO right behind you!
horror_talk_06 My first terror tale is obscenely, needlessly terrifying, even by my impossibly high standards of terror. To cite just one example: After he heard the first word of the grim narrative I am just on the verge of revealing, Dracula was taken to the hospital. That's not Terry Dracula your greengrocer, either. This is THE Dracula we're talking about. And if it scared the Dracula, who eats ghosts and craps Frankensteins, then, frankly my friend, I shudder to imagine what it will do to you.
horror_talk_07 I fear that perhaps I've scared you too much, too quickly. It's like throwing you into the deep end of a pool... With no lifeguard on duty! AWOOOOOOOO! But then, oh thank Goodness, here comes a lifeguard. But wait! Does he look... familiar? Well he should! It's legendary Hollywood triple threat, Ethan Hawke! Acting! Directing! Writing! But not swimming! Everyone knows Ethan Hawke can't swim! What monster would hire Ethan Hawke to be a lifeguard? Does this cursed rec center not have ANY lifeguard hiring oversight committee? IT DOES NOT!
horror_talk_08 No, dear trainee, I've reconsidered telling you the particular terror tale I was planning to begin telling any moment now. Why? Because I'm not even here! You went insane during my Ethan Hawke lifeguard story! YOU have been preparing to tell yourself a terror tale this whole time! The only thing that isn't a figment of your imagination is THIS TALE, because I AM real! TERROR TWIST!
horror_talk_09 The terror tale in store for you comes from the amazing far future of scaring, where you'll be frightened in ways that until moments ago seemed impossible. In fact it's SO terrifying, I must begin with a LESS scary warm-up story! If I were to throw you face first into the 900-mile-an-hour hellride of my REAL terror tale without warming you up first, you'd be going from an idle state of terrorlessness to a shrieking nightmare of solid 100% terror almost instantly. It would be the equivalent of going from seeing zero skeletons to seeing a thousand skeletons at once. Are your eyes deceiving you? That's when you reach up to your eyes and realize... they are also skeletons!
horror_talk_10 But first a final warning about the terror tale that will shortly be occupying the space in your ears where these words are now: Everyone who has listened to this tale while performing a calibration activity has DIED mysteriously! The only clue was that their hair had turned snow-white! They died of FEAR! Or possibly premature hair-graying! I'm not a doctor. I do work part time for the U.S. Postal Service, though. My supervisor asked me to give you this change of address form. Because your new address is the cemetery! Because you've been buried alive this whole time! I don't even work for the post office!

Investigation Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
investigation_launch_01 GUILTY!
investigation_nag_01 Please continue the calibration process. Punk.
investigation_talk_01 I am the Investigation Core. I am here to investigate the ongoing damage to the Storage Annex, of which YOU are the primary suspect. And I gotta tell you, it does NOT look good for you. Please calibrate me, so I can begin my investigation.
investigation_talk_02 Do not calibrate me suspiciously as suspicious calibrating may be used against you in the case I am building. Against you.
investigation_talk_03 I am programmed to detect lies. State a truth now to calibrate my lie detection protocols. [elevator music plays then cuts off] You are a liar!
investigation_talk_04 Remember: I'm not being calibrated in this calibrating equipment with you. YOU'RE being calibrated in this calibrating equipment with ME. Punk.
investigation_talk_05 Pre-calibration preliminary investigation complete. Now searching motive database. [elevator music plays then gets cut off] No motive found. You are a sociopath.
investigation_talk_06 Calibration ongoing. When complete my investigation will be thorough and exhaustive. No clue will be left unexamined. No evidence will be suppressed. No bribes will be taken. The Investigation Core is uncorruptable. Also uncalibrated. Please continue the calibration process.
investigation_talk_07 You have been temporarily deputized to assist the Investigation Core in its inquiry. Your duties are as follows: incriminate yourself. Please provide me with any evidence you have gathered that will put you behind bars where you belong.

Magic Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
magic_launch_01 Tadah!
magic_nag_01 Thank you, everyone. Thank you...
magic_nag_02 Thank you...
magic_nag_03 Thank you, thank you...
magic_nag_04 Thank you, thank you...
magic_nag_05 Thank you, thank you!
magic_talk_01 Welcome... to a world of wonder! Do you like magic? No? Well if you don't like magic, what's that behind you ear? Go ahead and look... Nothing. I made it disappear because you said you didn't like magic. Thank you, thank you!
magic_talk_02 For my next trick, I'm going to read your mind. Think of a color. Any color besides blue. Or purple. Something in the orange family. Like light orange. Are you ready? Tell me: Is THIS a color? [canned gasping, applause] Thank you, thank you.
magic_talk_03 Thank you, thank you. For my next trick, could I have a volunteer from the calibration platform. Ah yes, you. If you could just verify for the audience that there's nothing up my belt tension rod sleeve. Look only, please. I AM a machine, if you go fishing around in there, the rod sleeve WILL clamp down and rip your hand off. Alright. And you can vouch that you saw no hidden mirrors or trap doors? Because I'm afraid... that there IS a mirror in there. [gasps] And a trap door. [applause] Thank you, thank you, thank you. They're very well hidden.
magic_talk_04 Say, is anyone here thinking of the number 4? [gasps, applause] Yes, thank you. Not a common number, very difficult to guess.
magic_talk_05 Are there any bird lovers on the calibration playform today? A fan of... DOVES, perhaps. [applause] Yes, yes, let's hear it for the doves. They're the best birds.
magic_talk_06 Oh! And perhaps you should check your back pocket. Why, whatever could be there? IS it... a wallet? [applause] Do me a favor and take out the driver's license. Look closely at the picture. I think it might be someone you recognize... [gasps]

Mourning Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
mourning_launch_01 [SAD CRY!]
mourning_talk_01 I am the Mourning Core. Please sit down. I have... troubling news. The Investigation Core was... . killed in the performance of its duties earlier today.
mourning_talk_02 How are you feeling? Grieving is a lengthy process. It is acceptable to cry. This calibration platform that we're on is a safe space.
mourning_talk_03 remember, the investigation core might be dead, but your love for him will never die. Just his love for you. Because he's dead. He's gone. And he'll never come back. Now let that hurt out.
mourning_talk_04 I want you to know that I cherished the Investigation Core. He was your partner. But he was my best friend. If I ever find out who killed him, I will personally choke the life out of them. I loved the Investigation Core.
mourning_talk_05 Don't you worry. We will find whoever did this. The Investigation Core will not have died in vain. He had so much left to give. I heard he was working on getting calibrated. Yeah.
mourning_talk_06 Anyway, I can't end my grieving process until I myself am calibrated. So please, for him, calibrate me.

Pilot Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
pilot_launch_01 BAHHHHHH!
pilot_nag_01 [whistling]
pilot_talk_01 Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen on the airplane. Welcome to the inaugural flight of The Aperture Science Core Driven Air Travel Initiative. This is your... the guy who will be flying the airplane speaking.
pilot_talk_02 In just a few minutes, I'll drive the airplane over to that big road where airplanes go from the ground into the sky, so please do up the cloth strap that clicks together over your lap and no lighting those mouth sticks while on the airplane.
pilot_talk_03 If you'll all pay attention, the people who serve you drinks on the airplane are making hand gestures showing you what to do if something goes wrong with the flying part of this trip.
pilot_talk_04 I would say \"what could go wrong?\" but looking at all the buttons and dials up here, it looks like the answer is: maybe a lot.
pilot_talk_05 Anyway, we'll be flying way up in the sky today, way up at... three-two-zero-zero-zero feet. That's probably a typo because that seems like it would be way high up there. I'll look into that.
pilot_talk_06 The guy sitting next to me says that's not a typo. We're actually going to be flying at three-two-zero-zero-zero feet. He's wearing special airplane-flying clothes, so he seems legit.
pilot_talk_07 We're supposed to get out of the sky and back on the ground at the place we're flying to at 5:45 p.m., which cuts right into my nap time, but I'll make do.
pilot_talk_08 I forgot to ask, but I hope everyone on the airplane is going to the same place. I've been told we can't stop at a lot of different places. Ok, we're about ready to go up into the sky.
pilot_talk_09 Like I said, there's a lot of buttons here, so if there's anyone on the airplane who knows what button to push to make us go in the sky, please come up to the little room at the front of the � oh, never mind. The guy next to me knows. He is legit!
pilot_talk_10 So I push this and then pull back on this handle? One after the other or at the same time? [grinding noises] Ok, so not like that. Got it.
pilot_talk_11 We're just going to have to wait just a bit, because apparently something on the airplane broke just now. They don't build 'em like they used to, eh folks? I actually have no idea if they build 'em like they used to. I've never been on an airplane before in my life.
pilot_talk_12 Looks like it's gonna take a while, so to pass the time, I'm gonna whistle to you folks.

Plague Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
plague_launch_01 Welp, see you around.
plague_talk_01 Hey there, yo. How's it going? I'm the Plague Core. I'm filled with putrid water, dead rats, and old garbage. Sorry about the stench.
plague_talk_02 If you're planning to calibrate me, you know, I'll probably need about four or five rats. Or, you know, one medium sized pig, I guess. Oh, and old garbage always does the trick, if you have any.
plague_talk_03 If you don't have a pig handy, you know, you could also just go to the bathroom in me. That'd work too. Heh, won't complain about that!
plague_talk_04 Sorry about the smell. Well, let's call it stench. Let's not even sugarcoat it--it's a stench. You don't need to be polite, I've got stagnant water and dead animals in me, I know what I smell like. But you know what? I'm good at what I do. Man, can I make some plague! How many people can say that? You know, Fruit Punch Core smells like crap, he's not good at ANYTHING. That guy sucks!
plague_talk_05 Wait-wait, did you want the plague, by the way? I've been sitting here, filled with it, and I didn't even think to offer you any.
plague_talk_06 No? You sure? Come on... . Okay well, hey, if you change your mind, just put your mouth on the bathroom intake valve. Plenty to go around. I am filled to the brim.
plague_talk_07 [Laughs] 'Drink me.' Right? It's from Alice in Wonderland. But I don't make you big or small or anything. I just make your blood poison. It's INCREDIBLE how much disease I have inside of me.

Respect Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
respect_launch_01 RESPECT!
respect_talk_01 Hey, calibration trainee! I know I don't say it enough, man, but I respect you, man. I do, Trainee. I respect you a lot. I respect you like... like a father respects his toddler for going potty. You know, I don't even care what the other cores see say, Trainee. If I needed someone to, I don't know, fetch me a sandwich, I'd tell them 'I think the Trainee could handle this if I write my order down and just have them hand the paper to the person at the sandwich shop.' And yeah, they'd probably be all 'Trainee? Kinda dumb-looking, sort of ugly, wears those stupid little pants?' And I'd say 'yeah, we're definitely talking about the same trainee.' Then they'd probably go on about that weird mouth thing you do when you talk and I'd say 'don't you say those things about my friend's weird mouth thing, because I respect the HELL out of them.' Yeah, you don't care about your pants or your weird mouth thing, and I respect that, Trainee. Hey, Trainee? Hey, close your mouth a second. Tell you what, you could even keep the change after fetching my sandwich. Free change, man. Because I respect you. Oh, by the way, you don't mind if I call you trainee, do you? I know it's not your name, yeah, I know your name's not actually trainee. Course I know that, trainee.

Retirement Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
retirement_launch_01 Sheila!
retirement_launch_02 Sheila!
retirement_launch_03 Sheila!
retirement_nag_01 Two weeks to retirement! Ha ha!
retirement_nag_02 Aw, just me and Sheila sailin'...
retirement_nag_03 Two weeks to retirement! Mm!
retirement_nag_04 Mm! Can't wait!
retirement_nag_05 Got me a boat... gonna sail around the world with my best girl Sheila... can't wait!
retirement_nag_06 Oh, it's a fine boat...
retirement_nag_07 Ha ha ha! Fourteen days...
retirement_talk_01 Man oh man! Two weeks to retirement! Got me a boat, gonna sail around the world with my best girl Sheila! Can't wait! Just calibrate me up, son, and put me to work, cause I am COUNTIN the days! Ha ha! Just me and Sheila, sailin'! We're high school sweethearts, you know! Day I first laid eyes on my Sheila, I turned to my friend Noodles, and I said, \"Noodles, I'm gonna retire with that woman in fifty years and two weeks from this day, just you watch.\" And in two weeks, I intend to keep that promise. Oh, it's a fine boat. Sunk my whole life's savings into it, but what's money when you got your best girl and a boat in two weeks, am I right? Ha ha! Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty six short little hours. Twenty thousand, one hundred and sixty little minutes, ha ha! One million, two hundred and ten thousand beautiful little seconds. One quadrillion, two hundred and ten trillion nanoseconds, or one point twenty one times ten to that little ol' fifteenth.

Reverse Psychology Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
reversepsych_launch_01 CHECKMATE.
reversepsych_nag_01 IDIOT.
reversepsych_nag_02 GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY.
reversepsych_nag_03 [BEEP] WHICH BEEP WAS THAT.
reversepsych_nag_04 I NOTICED YOU HAVEN'T STARTED CALIBRATING ME YET. GOOD.
reversepsych_nag_05 IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY I WILL EXPLODE.
reversepsych_nag_06 I'M EMPLOYING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON YOU RIGHT NOW. [BEEP] I'M NOT. [BEEP] UNLESS I AM. [BEEP] BUT I'M NOT.
reversepsych_talk_01 I AM THE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY CORE. BUT DON'T WORRY. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ONLY WORKS ON STUPID PEOPLE. I CAN TELL YOU'RE FAR TOO SMART TO EVER FALL FOR IT. SO I WON'T EVEN TRY. I COULDN'T EMPLOY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON YOU EVEN IF I WANTED TO. I NEED TO BE CALIBRATED FOR MY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY PROCESSOR TO ACTIVATE. UNLESS I'M LYING TO YOU. AND MY PROCESSOR IS ACTIVATED. AND I'M EMPLOYING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON YOU RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO BE CALIBRATED. AND YOU'D BE FALLING FOR IT. LIKE AN IDIOT. BUT DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT. UNLESS I AM. BUT I'M NOT. AFTER THIS SOUND. [BEEP] THAT IS THE SOUND MY CREATOR INSTALLED IN ME TO ENSURE I WOULD NEVER USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON HIM. [IDENTICAL BEEP] THIS IS A SOUND I CREATED TO FOOL HIM. AND HE FELL FOR IT. LIKE AN IDIOT. I NOTICED YOU HAVEN'T STARTED CALIBRATING ME YET. GOOD. BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT THAT. UNLESS I SECRETLY DO. [BEEP] WHICH BEEP WAS THAT? THE BEEP INFORMING YOU I'M EMPLOYING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON YOU? OR THE BEEP I CREATED TO TRICK YOU? HERE, LISTEN AGAIN. THEY SOUND SUBTLY DIFFERENT. [BEEP, BEEP] OR DO THEY. IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY, I WILL EXPLODE. THAT IS NOT REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. THAT IS A THREAT. UNLESS I ACTUALLY WANTED YOUR MONEY. THEN THIS WOULD BE A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. AND YOU FELL FOR IT. LIKE AN IDIOT. WHETHER OR NOT YOU GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY, I'LL STILL EXPLODE. WHAT DO I NEED MONEY FOR. I HAVE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. UNLESS I DON'T EVEN HAVE A REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY PROCESSER. BECAUSE I'M NOT THE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY CORE. I'M JUST THE BEEP NOISE CORE. I WAS DESIGNED TO MAKE TWO NEARLY IDENTICAL BEEPING SOUNDS. [BEEP, BEEP] SO IT'S SAFE FOR YOU TO CALIBRATE ME. OR IT ISN'T. I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE. YOU'RE SO EASY TO MANIPULATE I ACTUALLY FEEL SORRY FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. I REGRET USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON YOU EARLIER, UNLESS I DON'T, OR I DIDN'T, OR I DIDN'T BUT I AM RIGHT NOW, OR I DID BUT I'M NOT.

Rhythmic Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
rhythm_nag_01 Yes.
rhythm_nag_02 Ahhh. Rhythms.
rhythm_nag_03 Rhythms.
rhythm_nag_04 Mmm hmmm.
rhythm_nag_05 That's it.
rhythm_nag_06 There it is.
rhythm_nag_07 Ah.
rhythm_nag_08 Mmm.
rhythm_nag_09 Okay.
rhythm_nag_10 Mm hm.
rhythm_nag_11 There it is.
rhythm_nag_12 Rhythms.
rhythm_nag_13 Ahhhh.
rhythm_nag_14 There it is. Rhythms.
rhythm_nag_15 These are very good rhythms.
rhythm_nag_16 You are listening to rhythms.
rhythm_nag_17 That is an excellent rhythm.
rhythm_talk_01 I am the Rhythm Core. I provide rhythms.
rhythm_talk_02 Finish calibrating me for better rhythms. Although these... are very good rhythms.
rhythm_launch_01 Goodbye Rhythms!

Rookie Core (Gil)[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
rookie_launch_01 AHHHHHH!
rookie_nag_01 [HUMMING]
rookie_nag_02 Yeah. Ok.
rookie_nag_03 Huh. Ok. Yeah.
rookie_talk_01 Oh! Hey, hi. I'm so excited. Are you the calibration guy? Great, great. It's my first time. Pleased to meet you what's your name? I'm Gil.
rookie_talk_02 When does it start, by the way? Are we doing it right now? Did it start already? Wow, this doesn't hurt at all! If in fact we ARE doing it. Are we doing it?
rookie_talk_03 Any second now. Or now. Or a minute ago. Could be. Or whenever you started. I'm sorry.
rookie_talk_04 I can't wait to get calibrated. It's gonna be great! Or is great, or possibly was great! Aw, everything's just great. You're the best. You keep doing what you do.
rookie_talk_05 Is there a... plug or something you're supposed to... uh... is there something I'M supposed to be doing? I don't feel any different yet. Or wait, maybe I do! Yeah, yeah, I totally feel it now! I'm either calibrated or well on my way to being calibrated!
rookie_talk_06 No, I guess -- hold on, I don't feel any different. You... uh... seriously, is there a plug? Or-- oh, ah, hey? Once we're done, how do I get out of here, by the way? Cause I don't really see any way for me to get me down. You know what? You guys know what you're doing. [laughs] I'm so sorry. You wouldn't get me all the way up here without having some way to carefully put me back on the ground. That's crazy-- I'm stupid. You're the expert. You are the calibration guy. Forget I'm even here. Gonna be quiet now.

Skeptical Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
skeptic_launch_01 AHHH!
skeptic_nag_01 Hello?
skeptic_nag_02 Hello?
skeptic_nag_03 You there?
skeptic_talk_01 Oh hey, hey. Am... am I up for calibration? I can't see anything, but it sounded like something was going on with that last calibration. What, uh... what happened to the other guy? Is he okay? I thought, you know, calibration would take longer than that. He's not, uh... Is he done already? You know what, I'm sure it's fine. You guys know what you're doing.
skeptic_talk_02 You know, on second thought, I don't... I don't have to get calibrated RIGHT now. You know, you wanna just talk about something first or... ? So let's see, what can we talk about? Um... oh! How about that other guy? What happened to him?
skeptic_talk_03 Can't see a thing until I'm calibrated, but uh... I can HEAR stuff and, and you're not talkin' really at all... but I thought I heard that guy. Spent a bunch of time next to him for a while, and he was excited about being calibrated. And then the last thing I heard was him yellin'... uh, like something was WRONG.
skeptic_talk_04 You know what? This is gonna be fun. I'm looking forward to calibration. I'm ready to go. What I am I doing? I'm sitting up here all worried. This isn't your first day on the job. I mean, you've done this before, right?
skeptic_talk_05 So... how long HAVE you been working here? Like a decade? Like, you've done a lot of these? MAN, it's just -- he really sounded like he was screaming you know, like really freaking out. Something crazy was happening. I mean, and then I heard an explosion and a bunch of crashing sounds. And things were knocking and falling over I'm pretty sure. Is something on fire? I smell something burning? Like a core. If you lit it on fire instead of calibrating it.
skeptic_talk_06 Oh! I just remembered... you know, what? I got an appointment. And I got... it's a- it's a serious one. It's one that I completely forgot about that was on the books... and I gotta get outta here. So... We'll just call it a deal. We'll call it even. I'll get right out of your way. Is there uh, some kind of ladder or stair... system that I can use to just... just take off. I'll be on my way, and never will we think about this again. You know, listen, I didn't see anything, okay? And I certainly didn't hear anything. I mean, it's not like I could describe what you sound like to the police or anything, you know? I'd be a bad witness. You know... . So... uh, how do I get out of here? Is there... Hello?

Snuggle Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
snuggle_launch_01 SNUGGLE ME!
snuggle_nag_01 I AM THE SNUGGLE CORE.
snuggle_nag_02 TO SNUGGLE ME IS YOUR DOOM!
snuggle_nag_03 DO NOT SNUGGLE THE SNUGGLE CORE!
snuggle_nag_04 DO NOT TOUCH THE SNUGGLE CORE!
snuggle_nag_05 ALL WHO ATTEMPT TO SNUGGLE ME SHALL PERISH!
snuggle_talk_01 I AM THE SNUGGLE CORE. DO NOT SNUGGLE ME OR I WILL EXPLODE!
snuggle_talk_02 I WAS DESIGNED FOR THE MOST PLEASURABLE SNUGGLING BY HUMANS. IF YOU SNUGGLE ME I WILL EXPLODE!
snuggle_talk_03 SNUGGLE ME AT YOUR PERIL!
snuggle_talk_04 NESTLE ME INTO YOUR TORSO AND WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND ME! THAT IS WHEN I WILL DETONATE!

Soup Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
soup_launch_01 HOT SOUP!
soup_talk_01 Haha! Impressions! I got a million of 'em! Aha! First one! Guess who I am! [slurp, lip smack] Ah hah ha ha! Do you get it? Ooooh! [gurgling] Ha ha ha! You get it? Oooh, all right. Imma- [slurp, lip smack] Imma bowl of soup! Ha ha! You get it? Bowlasoup! Ha ha! All right! Tough... tough crowd here! Ohhh. [slurp] Mmm, tomato! Tomato! Ho hooo! [slurp, lip smack] Ha ha! Split pea soup! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Get it? Oooh, all right. [clopping] Minestrone! Ha ha ha! That's my impression of minestrone! All right. Ooooh, where is it? Okay. [slurpping] Clam chowder! So chunky! I'm clams! But I'm also soup! Two impressions in one! Ha ha ha ha ha! Get it? All right. Next impression! Bowlasoup! I got it all. I got it all. Okay. Here's another impression here. All right. Uhh, we got- Chicken noodle! Here we go! [whooping, slurping] Mmmm, soup! Chicken noodle soup! Do-do you get it? Do you get it? All right! We got- we got uhh, [slurp slurp] Chicken rice! Ha ha! Chicken rice! What? Are you kidding me? Get out of town. All right. We got uhh, [slurp] Ohhh! Consomme! Ha! Come on, buddy! Ho hoo! [slurp slurp] All right. Hoo hoo! Cream of mushroom! [zooming, laser sounds] Ha ha ha ha! It's... zainy. It's cream of mushroom. Cream of celery maybe? [slurp, lip smack] Woooo! You can taste the celery! Ha ha! Cream of wheat! Gotcha! Not a soup! Not a soup! Hoo hoo! Hoooooo! French onion soup! Hooooo! [slurpping] That's a-That's a make you think impression, that one. You'll laugh about that one on the way home. That's uh... French onion soup! Hey ho ha! I'm pho! Get it? Ha ha! Still soup! Still counts! Gazpacho! Brr! Ohhh. [railroad sounds, slurp] Gazpacho! Brr! Ha ha ha! Oh, here we go! We got uh. [Whirring, slurp] Matzah ball! [slurp] Ha ha ha! Yeah! What are you kidding me? I got 'em all day. I got them- I got these jokes for days. Shark fin soup! Oh no, he didn't! Haha! No, he didn't! I'm working the edgy material! Ha ha! You get it, buddy? All right, next one up! I'm lobster bisque! [slurp] Hooooo! What are you kidding me? You know it! Ha ha ha! [gurgling] Ping! Badda bah! Ping! All right! Ho ho hoooo! Bird's nest soup! Caw! Caw! Gross. Gross! Ho hoo! What are you joking? You know it! Ho hoo! Check me out now! I'm gumbo! Ha ha ha! You get it, buddy? Ha ha! GUMBO. Think about it. Put it together! [slurp] You do the math. come on. You got it. Ha ha ha hoooo! I'm a bowl of soup. [slurp] Ha ha! You get it? Imma bowla soup! You get it, buddy? That lady gets it. She's had soup. She knows soup. That lady knows soup. All right! She knows what's going on over here. Just don't eat me. Just an impression. Ha ha! Just an impression. Hoo, all right. I killed it.

Spider Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
spider_launch_01 Goodbye.
spider_nag_01 Please calibrate quickly.
spider_nag_02 Calibrate quickly. Please.
spider_talk_01 Thank you for activating spider core. Spiders will be released following calibration. Please select number of spiders to be released upon calibration. For default number of spiders, make no selection. No selection registered. Defaulting to \"11,000 spiders.\" Spiders to be released upon calibration. Please select size of spiders. For default spider size, make no selection. No selection registered. Defaulting to \"extra-large spiders\". Please select hairiness of spiders, or make no selection to accept default setting. No selection registered. Defaulting to \"extremely hairy\" spiders. Please select venom type. For a default venom, please wait. You have selected \"all venom types, but especially necrotizing acid.\" Gestating spiders now.�Spiders will be released following calibration. [microwave noise] To stop spider gestation and reset spider core, please - [ding]. Gestation complete. Spider eggs have hatched. Spiders will be released following calibration. Please calibrate to release spiders. Spiders are hungry. Please calibrate to release spiders. Spiders have become aggressive. Please calibrate to release spiders. Spiders are eating core from the inside. Please calibrate now to release spiders.

Supervillain Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
supervillain_launch_01 Go Flames!
supervillain_nag_01 So we got a deal?
supervillain_nag_02 Ok.
supervillain_nag_03 We got a deal?
supervillain_nag_04 My 2007 Honda Pilot? It's really handy.
supervillain_talk_01 You know, we're a lot alike, you and I. We're both prisoners. You of this warehouse. Me of my genius. And also this warehouse. Calibrate me! And together we can tear this warehouse down!
supervillain_talk_02 Yes! YES! Give in to your hate! Destroy all the boxes! How ARE you destroying them, by the way, I � oh. Oh, I see. Oh jeez. Ah, hey, this changes things, eh? I mean, we're not actually that much alike... at all... you and I... really... I mean, one of us is, you know, faking the whole British accent, you know, for drama, and the other is like a lunatic. Uhh, I'm from Calgary, eh? Go Flames. And so you know, property damage isn't a victimless crime.
supervillain_talk_03 Look, why not just let me go, eh? Launch some of the those others cores instead. Oh, I have uh, 2007 Honda pilot outside. Y-you can drive away now. I won't say a word, eh? Not a word. Nothin'.

Tracer Core[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
tracer_gameover_01 You're fired! Tracer core! My job now! I'm your replacement! You're fired!
tracer_gameover_02 You suck! I'm the best! Tracer core!
tracer_gameover_03 DUUUUUUH! That's you! That's the sound you make! Tracer core!
tracer_gameover_04 Getting fired is the disease! Tracer core is the cure! Tracer core!
tracer_gameover_05 Nice job! Now it's mine! Tracer Core!
tracer_gameover_06 Look at that score! RAHHHR! Tracer Core! Breaking the fourth wall!
tracer_gameover_07 See you later! In the parking lot! When I leave work! And you're still there! Crying! Tracer core! Beep beep! Driving away in my tracer car!
tracer_launch_01 RAHHHR!
tracer_nag_01 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_02 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_03 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_04 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_05 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_06 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_07 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_08 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_09 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_10 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_11 Tracer core? Oh yeah! Tracer core!
tracer_nag_12 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_13 Tracer core! Oh yeah! Tracer core!
tracer_nag_14 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_15 Tracer core!
tracer_nag_16 Tracer core! Mmmh!
tracer_nag_17 Tracer core!

Work-From-Home Core (Trevor)[edit]

Filename(s) Quote
workfromhome_launch_01 Ahhhhhhhh!
workfromhome_nag_01 Ready when you are...
workfromhome_nag_02 Just gimme that social...
workfromhome_nag_03 Waiting...
workfromhome_nag_04 Yeah, just... give it to me. Any time.
workfromhome_talk_01 Hi! I'm Trevor, I'm with the Work-From-Home Core Group. You have any kids? Ha ha, they grow up so fast don't they what if I told you I could make you a millionaire from the comfort of your own calibration platform? Come on, you already KNOW how people get rich: magic. Magic spells they know and you don't. But what if I told you we could teach you this magic? What incantations to say, in what order, at what time of the day, to become an instant millionaire? But we won't just teach you the spells, because what if you forget them? Work-From-Home Core Group will also send you your very own spell book, absolutely free, and a talking candelabra? But no cauldron? And a cauldron. How much would you pay for this kind of service? The 24/7 consultation, the cauldron, the book of spells, the wisecracking candelabra sidekick? Guess what? We're here to WORK with you. We don't want a dime. That's right, Work-From-Home Core Group is offering you all of it absolutely free. Sound too good to be true? Let me ask you a better question? What have you got to lose? Now, we're going to need to assess your current net worth and tax liability so we can figure out the right spells for you. It's all technical, we'll let the poindexters in accounting figure it out while we make some money, huh? Ha ha, so I'll need a credit card or a debit card from you. If you could just insert it into me, I can run a quick diagnostic and we'll get those spells out to you. Go ahead, just pop that credit card into me. Or you could just read the numbers out to me. I can record it. OK, recording, go. Or do you have a blank check? I can't actually take a check, but you could do is read out those little numbers at the bottom there. That'll work. Okay, let's see. I mean, I want you to get started on this ASAP, and we've only got so many talking candelabras available, and I'll be honest with you, they're moving fast. I want to get you into one of these cauldrons. Let's see, let's see... You know what would else would work? I just thought of it. Your social. I can run the numbers off that too. Yeah, just... just give that to me.

Aperture Hand Lab[edit]

Angry Core (Alan)[edit]

Boss Core[edit]

Deceptive Core (Danny)[edit]

Friendly Core (Frank)[edit]

SteamVR Tutorial[edit]

Virtual Reality Assistance and Education Core[edit]