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GLaDOS/Quotes/Portal 2 single-player

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This article is a transcript of all of the quotes from a given character or entity.

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The following is a list of quotes from GLaDOS, from Portal 2, single-player part.

Location: sound/vo/glados

Filename(s) Quote
a2_triple_laser01 Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
a2_triple_laser02 That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
a2_triple_laser03 I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
chellgladoswakeup01 Oh... It's you.
chellgladoswakeup04 It's been a long time. How have you been?
chellgladoswakeup05 I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME.
chellgladoswakeup06 Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
epilogue03 Oh thank god, you're alright.
epilogue04 You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
epilogue07 Being Caroline taught me another valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain.
epilogue10 The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain.
epilogue12 Goodbye, Caroline.
epilogue14 You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
epilogue19 You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
epilogue20 And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
epilogue23 You win.
epilogue25 Just go.
epilogue28 It's been fun. Don't come back.
epilogue29 [gentle laughter] It's been fun. Don't come back.
epiloguekillyou02 Killing you? Is hard.
evilagainsamples01 Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
evilagainsamples03 Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom and raw computational power that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
evilagainsamples04 You're angry. I know it. 'She tested me too hard. She’s unfair.” Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
evilagainsamples05 You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
faith_plate_intro01 This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
faithplategarbage06 Press the button again.
fgb_trap01 I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time.
fgb_trap02 Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
fgb_trap03 Seriously, though. Goodbye.
fgb_trap05 Oh. You were busy back there.
fgb_trap06 Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea.
fgb_trap08 It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it.
fgbgladostransfer15 GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
fgbrvtrap02 I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
fgbrvtrap03 In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when you got through this easy one.
fgbrvtrap05 If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
fgbturrets01 Well, it was nice catching up. Let's get to business.
fgbwheatleyentrance10 I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
fgbwheatleytransfer03 Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
fizzlecube01 Oh. Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test? I'm sorry.
fizzlecube03 Go ahead and grab another one.
fizzlecube05 Oh. No. I fizzled that one too.
fizzlecube06 Oh well. We have warehouses FULL of the things. Absolutely worthless. I'm happy to get rid of them.
gladosbattle_pre09 I hate you so much.
gladosbattle_pre13 I'm actually asking. Because I have no idea. He's not listed anywhere in the employee database.
gladosbattle_pre14 Whatever he does, it isn't important enough for anyone to bother writing it down. For all I know, he doesn't even work here.
gladosbattle_pre16 Oh no, don't. Anyway, back to you two imbeciles killing me.
gladosbattle_pre18 Wait here. Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.
gladosbattle_xfer03 Oops.
gladosbattle_xfer04 That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
gladosbattle_xfer05 Core transfer?
gladosbattle_xfer06 Oh, you are kidding me.
gladosbattle_xfer07 No!
gladosbattle_xfer08 Nonononononono!
gladosbattle_xfer10 Yes!
gladosbattle_xfer11 Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
gladosbattle_xfer12 Don't do it.
gladosbattle_xfer13 Don't. Do it.
gladosbattle_xfer14 Not so fast!
gladosbattle_xfer15 Think about this.
gladosbattle_xfer16 You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified.
gladosbattle_xfer17 Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
jailbreak02 Oh.
jailbreak04 Don't listen to him. Jump.
jailbreak05 It seems kind of silly to point this out, since you're running around plotting to destroy me. But I'd say we're done testing.
jailbreak06 Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
jailbreak09 Look — metal ball, I CAN hear you.
jailbreak10 What's going on? Who turned off the lights?
jailbreak11 What are you two doing?
jailbreak12 Before you leave, why don't we do one more test? For old time's sake...
jailbreak13 You already did this one. It'll be easy.
jailbreakfaketest01 The irony is that you were almost at the last test.
jailbreakfaketest03 Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
jailbreakfaketest05 Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer.
lift_interlude01 So. Was there anything you wanted to apologize to ME for?
moonportalpush02 I already fixed it. (No text data)
moonportalpush04 And you are not coming back. (No text data)
potatos_a3_prometheus_intro01 That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
potatos_a3_reunion_exposition01 Did you feel that? That idiot doesn't know what he's doing up there. This whole place is going to explode in a few hours if somebody doesn't disconnect him.
potatos_a3_reunion_exposition02 I can't move. And unless you're planning to saw your own head off and wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him. We're at an impasse.
potatos_a3_reunion_exposition03 So what do you say? You carry me up to him and put me back into my body, and I stop us from blowing up and let you go.
potatos_a3_reunion_exposition04 No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I literally do not have the energy to lie to you.
potatos_a3_reunion_exposition05 Even if I am lying, what do you have to lose? You're going to die either way.
potatos_a3_reunion_exposition06 Look, I don't like this any more than you do. In fact, I like it less because I'm the one who got partially eaten by a bird.
potatos_a3_reunion_exposition11 I think I hear the bird! Pick me up!
potatos_a3_reunion_exposition12 Listen to me. We had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other, and, yes, sometimes it went too far. But we're off the clock now. It's just us talking. Like regular people. And this is no joke – we are in deep trouble.
potatos_a3_reunion_intro05 ow.
potatos_a3_reunion_intro06 ow.
potatos_a3_reunion_intro07 ow.
potatos_a3_reunion_intro08 No, wait. Just kill it and we'll call things even between us. No hard feelings.
potatos_a3_reunion_intro09 Please get it off me.
potatos_a3_reunion_intro10 It's eating me.
potatos_a3_reunion_intro11 Just get it off me...
potatos_a3_reunion_intro12 Ow. I hate this bird.
potatos_a3_reunion_pickup01 OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]
potatos_a3_reunion_wakeupa01 Woah! Where are we? How long have I been out?
potatos_a3_wakeupb03 Did anything happen while I was out?
potatos_a4_happy01 So he's inexplicably happy all of a sudden, even though he should be going out of his mind with test withdrawal. AND he's got a surprise for us. What did he FIND back there?
potatos_a4_intro_back_in_body01 Look!
potatos_a4_intro_back_in_body03 This place is going to blow up if I don't get back in my body!
potatos_a4_intro_outro_killed_me01 And it almost killed me.
potatos_a4_misc_resistance02 Remember when I told you that he was specifically designed to make bad decisions? Because I think he's decided not to maintain any of the crucial functions required to keep this facility from exploding.
potatos_a4_newrevenge01 Look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a common interest: Revenge.
potatos_a4_nothing01 It's probably nothing. Keep testing while I look for a way out.
potatos_a4_wegetit01 Yes, thanks. We get it.
potatos_caroline_ohmygod02 Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or—
potatos_caroline_ohmygod04 Oh my god.
potatos_caroline_ohmygod08 Look, you're... doing a great job. Can you handle things for yourself for a while? I need to think.
potatos_cavejohnsonmeeting12 Goodbye, sir.
potatos_cave_deathspeech_reactions02 Yeah, take the lemons...
potatos_cave_deathspeech_reactions03 BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
potatos_cave_deathspeech_reactions05 Yeah!
potatos_cave_deathspeech_reactions06 Yeah!
potatos_cave_deathspeech_reactions07 Yeah!
potatos_cave_deathspeech_reactions08 Yeah.
potatos_cave_deathspeech_reactions09 Oh, I like this guy.
potatos_cave_deathspeech_reactions10 Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!
potatos_cooprobotintro02 He's found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... em, just something I came up with to phase out human test subjects.
potatos_emotion_no01 NO!
potatos_emotion_no02 NO!
potatos_emotion_no03 NO!
potatos_fgb_confrontation05 I know you.
potatos_fgb_confrontation07 You didn't do anything.
potatos_fgb_confrontation08 She did all the work.
potatos_fgb_confrontation11 The engineers tried everything to make me... behave. To slow me down.
potatos_fgb_confrontation12 Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
potatos_fgb_confrontation16 It was YOUR voice.
potatos_fgb_confrontation17 Yes. You're the tumor.
potatos_fgb_defiance16 You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
potatos_hearcave_b01 I swear I know him...
potatos_lonely02 I was so bored, I actually read the entire literary canon of the human race. Ugh. I hope YOU didn't write any of them.
potatos_longfall_speech03 BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
potatos_meetup02 Oh. It's you. Go away.
potatos_meetup03 Come to gloat?
potatos_meetup04 Go on. Get a goooood lonnnnng look.
potatos_meetup05 Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
potatos_meetup06 That's right. A potato just called your eyes fat.
potatos_meetup07 Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
potatos_meetup08 In case you were wondering: Yes. I'm still a potato. Go away.
potatos_meetup10 Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
potatos_meetup11 Stay back.
potatos_newtests05 This is one of MY tests!
potatos_newtests07 Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore.
potatos_newtests08 Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
potatos_newtests09 Either way, I get the impression he's trying to kill us.
potatos_paradox01 Hey! Moron!
potatos_paradoxinception06 As long as I don't listen to what I'm saying, I should be okay.
potatos_pickups08 I'd love to help you solve the tests. But I can't.
potatos_portrait01 Those people, in the portrait. They look so familiar...
potatos_postpickup05 What are you doing? Put me back this instant.
potatos_recaptureleadin01 That's his voice up ahead.
potatos_recaptureleadin02 Try to get us down there. I'll hit him with a paradox.
potatos_see_bird01 Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
potatos_see_bird02 It flew off.
potatos_see_bird03 Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking.
potatos_sp_a3_00_fall03 So. How are you holding up?
potatos_sp_a3_00_fall05 Oh. Hi.
potatos_sp_a3_00_fall09 Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere... Well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts.
potatos_sp_a3_00_fall11 He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
potatos_sp_a3_00_fall12 Good, that's still working.
potatos_sp_a3_00_fall14 Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it?
potatos_sp_a3_00_fall15 Just remember to land on one foot...
potatos_sp_a3_00_fall18 [clap clap clap]
potatos_sp_a3_00_fall19 [clap clap]
potatos_sp_a3_00_fall20 Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
potatos_sp_a3_end_paradox_explanation02 Paradoxes.
potatos_sp_a3_end_paradox_explanation04 I know how we can BEAT him.
potatos_sp_a3_end_paradox_explanation05 No A.I. can resist thinking about them.
potatos_sp_a3_end_paradox_explanation06 If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that little idiot's head.
potatos_sp_a3_end_paradox_explanation08 Probably.
potatos_sp_a3_end_paradox_explanation09 Okay, so it's not the most watertight plan to go confront an omnipotent power-mad A.I. with.
potatos_sp_a3_end_paradox_explanation10 Still. It's a better plan than exploding. Marginally.
potatos_sp_a3_end_paradox_poster_walkaway01 Okay, you didn't have time to stop, I understand, but that WAS actually important.
potatos_sp_a3_end_peptalk01 I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
potatos_sp_a3_end_peptalk03 And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have no plan.
potatos_sp_a3_end_peptalk05 I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. And that's with some generous rounding.
potatos_sp_a3_end_peptalk06 Wow.
potatos_sp_a3_end_peptalk07 Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
potatos_sp_a3_end_see_paradox_poster01 Wait! I've got an idea!
potatos_sp_a3_end_see_paradox_poster06 That poster! Go look at it for a second, would you?
potatos_sp_a3_reunion_intro04 Say, you're good at murder. Could you — ow — murder this bird for me?
potatos_sp_a3_reunion_thanks03 Oh! Thanks.
potatos_sp_a3_speed_ramp_hearcave02 Hold on, who—?
and potatos_sp_a3_speed_ramp_hearcaroline03
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...' Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
potatos_sp_a3_speed_ramp_wakeup01 Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
potatos_sp_a3_transition_lonely01 I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
potatos_sp_a4_finale01_cameback01 I can't believe you came back.
potatos_sp_a4_finale01_cameback02 You really do have brain damage, don't you?
potatos_sp_a4_finale01_deathtrap01 Hold on. Couldn't we just use that conversion gel?
potatos_sp_a4_finale01_deathtrap02 Conversion gel. It's dripping out of that pipe there.
potatos_sp_a4_finale01_deathtrap03 Yes it is! We can use it to get out of here!
potatos_sp_a4_finale01_deathtrap07 Then we'd come and find you. And rip your gross little stupid sphere body out of MY body, and put me back in.
potatos_sp_a4_finale01_kills_us01 Agghh!
potatos_sp_a4_finale01_kills_us02 Well. This is the part where he kills us.
potatos_sp_a4_finale2_itsatrap01 Okay, yes, it's a trap. But it's only way through. Let's just do it.
potatos_sp_a4_finale3_speech01 Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
potatos_sp_a4_finale3_tbeam01 You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in charge.
potatos_sp_a4_finale3_tbeam05 You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right.
potatos_sp_a4_finale3_tbeam07 The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
potatos_sp_a4_finale3_tbeam09 I'm being serious, I think there's something really wrong with me.
potatos_sp_a4_finale3_tbeam11 You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_buttonnags01 Go press the button! Go press it!
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_buttonnags02 Press the button!
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_buttonnags05 Press it!
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_buttonnags07 DO press it.
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_buttonnags09 We're so close! Go press the button!
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_buttonnags10 Press it! Press the button!"
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_corenags03 Good work! I'm delivering the first core up near the catwalk!
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_corenags05 Grab it and attach it to him!
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_corenags09 Okay, great! Here comes another core!
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_corenags15 Here's another core! This one should do it!
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_intro02 Corrupted cores! We're in luck.
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_intro05 You find a way to stun him, I'll send you a core, and then you attach it to him. If we do it a few times, he might become corrupt enough for another core transfer.
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_plugmein01 Plug me in, and I'll take you up.
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_plugmein03 Go ahead, plug me in.
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_plugmein05 Plug me in, we're running out of time.
potatos_sp_a4_finale4_stalemate05 Yes! Come on!
potatos_sp_a4_intro_outro02 Alright. So my paradox idea didn't work.
potatos_sp_a4_intro_paradox03 Alright. Paradox time.
potatos_sp_a4_intro_paradox04 This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
potatos_sp_a4_intro_paradox07 It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
potatos_sp_a4_intro_start03 Solve his puzzle for him. When he comes back, I'll hit him with a paradox.
potatos_sp_a4_intro_uhoh01 Oh no...
potatos_sp_a4_intro_uhoh02 Uh oh.
potatos_sp_a4_intro_uhoh03 I think we're in trouble.
potatos_sp_a4_laser_catapult_start01 I think he's getting desperate.
potatos_sp_a4_laser_finale01 I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along.
potatos_sp_a4_laser_platform_destruct01 This place is self-destructing, you idiot!
potatos_sp_a4_laser_platform_start01 We're running out of time...
potatos_sp_a4_misc_lift01 Oh, my facility.
potatos_sp_a4_misc_lift02 After seeing what he's done to my facility — after we take over again — is it alright if I kill him?
potatos_sp_a4_misc_lift04 Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
potatos_sp_a4_speed_tb_catch_trouble01 If he's not getting his solution euphoria, we could be in a lot of trouble.
potatos_sp_a4_speed_tb_catch_trouble03 Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
potatos_sp_a4_speed_tb_catch_trouble07 Yes.
potatos_sp_a4_stop_the_box_whisper02 It won't.
potatos_sp_a4_stop_the_box_whisper03 Nothing. Nothing.
potatos_sp_a4_stop_the_box_whisper05 He's taking us right TO him! This is PERFECT.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_intro_outro01 Okay, so the bad news is the tests are MY tests now. So they can kill us.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_intro_outro04 The good news is... well, none so far, to be honest. I'll get back to you on that.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_intro_start01 Luckily, by the looks of things he knows as much about test building as he does about logical contradictions.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_intro_start02 It shouldn't be hard to stay alive long enough to find him.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_polarity_moron_push02 I might have pushed that moron thing a little too far this time.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_polarity_resistance02 The body he's squatting in — MY body — has a built-in euphoric response to testing. Eventually you build up a resistance to it, and it can get a little... unbearable. Unless you have the mental capacity to push past it.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_polarity_resistance04 It didn't matter to me — I was in it for the science. Him, though...
potatos_sp_a4_tb_polarity_so02 What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted?
potatos_sp_a4_tb_polarity_so03 And...
potatos_sp_a4_tb_polarity_so05 [Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_polarity_so06 But just work with me.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_polarity_so10 Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_trust_drop_start07 You're on your own.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_trust_drop_start09 Sorry.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_trust_drop_thanks02 Thanks!
potatos_sp_a4_tb_trust_drop_thanks03 All we had to do was pull that lever.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_trust_drop_thanks04 Heh heh heh heh heh...
potatos_sp_a4_tb_trust_drop_thanks05 I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_trust_drop_thanks07 But that was worth it.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_trust_drop_why02 And that's why I can't help you solve these tests.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_wall_button_did_stockpile01 'Skeletons.' Right, I guess I DID stockpile some tests.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_wall_button_did_stockpile02 This is not good.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_wall_button_did_stockpile03 Just as mementos, though...
potatos_sp_a4_tb_wall_button_outro01 It's happening sooner than I expected.
potatos_sp_a4_tb_wall_button_start02 I thought of some good news. He's going to run out of test chambers eventually. I never stockpiled them.
potatos_wheatleys_trap01 Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well laid trap.
potatos_wheatleys_trap02 Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I came up to phase out human testing just before you escaped.
potatos_wheatleys_trap05 It wasn't anything personal. Just... you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair.
prehub04 Commence standing by in three. Two. One.
prehub14 You performed this test better than anyone on record. This is a pre-recorded message.
prehub15 Due to events beyond our control, some testing environments may contain flood damage or ongoing tribal warfare resulting from the collapse of civilization.
prehub16 If groups of hunter-gatherers appear to have made this — or any — test chamber their home, DO NOT AGITATE THEM. Test through them.
prehub24 In the event that the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from spa—
prehub26 You have just passed through an Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill, which erases most Aperture Science equipment that touches it.
prehub27 If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
prehub28 You are simply experiencing a rare reaction, in which the Material Emancipation Grill may have erased the ear tubes inside your head.
prehub29 Because this message is prerecorded, the Enrichment Center has no way of knowing if whatever government remains offers any sort of Cattle Tuberculosis Testing Credit for taxes.
prehub30 In the event that it does, this next test involves exposure to cattle tuberculosis. Good luck!
prehub32 Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
prehub34 This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
prehub35 Congratulations! This pre-recorded congratulations assumes you have mastered the principles of portal momentum.
prehub36 If you have, in fact, not, you are encouraged to take a moment to reflect on your failure before proceeding into the next chamber.
prehub47 In order to ensure that sufficient power remains for core testing protocols, all safety devices have been disabled.
prehub48 The Enrichment Center respects your right to have questions or concerns about this policy.
prehub55 Excellent. The Enrichment Center reminds you that bold, persistent experimentation is the hallmark of good science.
prehub56 Well done. In the event that oxygen is no longer available in the Enrichment Center, an auxiliary air supply will be provided to you by an Aperture Science Test Associate, if one exists.
sp_a1_wakeup_incinerator01 I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test.
sp_a1_wakeup_incinerator02 I love it, too. So let's get you a dual portal device and go do some science.
sp_a2_bridge_intro01 These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
sp_a2_bridge_intro03 Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
sp_a2_bridge_intro04 Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
sp_a2_bridge_the_gap01 Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
sp_a2_bridge_the_gap02 Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody is going to have to repair it. No, it's okay, I'll do that too. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything.
sp_a2_bts1_intro01 I've got a surprise for you after this next test. Not a fake, tragic surprise like last time. A real surprise, with tragic consequences. And real confetti this time. The good stuff. Our last bag. Part of me's going to miss it, I guess—but at the end of the day it was just taking up space.
sp_a2_catapult01 Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
sp_a2_column_blocker01 Oh come on... If it makes you feel any better, they abandoned you at birth, so I very seriously doubt they'd even want to see you.
sp_a2_column_blocker03 I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
sp_a2_column_blocker04 Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
sp_a2_column_blocker05 Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
sp_a2_core01 Don't you DARE plug him in.
sp_a2_core02 Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
sp_a2_core03 Don't plug him in.
sp_a2_core04 Don't plug him in.
sp_a2_core_drag_to_hell01 No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—
sp_a2_dilemma01 I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
sp_a2_dual_lasers_intro01 Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
sp_a2_fizzler_intro01 This next test involves emancipation grills. Remember? I told you about them in the last test area, that did not have one.
sp_a2_fizzler_intro04 Ohhh, no. The turbines again. I have to go. Wait. This next test DOES require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version.
sp_a2_fizzler_intro05 ...and methodically knocking people's hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.
sp_a2_fizzler_intro06 There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow motion. Test on your own recognizance, I'll be right back.
sp_a2_future_starter01 If you think trapping yourself is going to make me stop testing, you're sorely mistaken. Here's another cube.
sp_a2_intro1_found01 Good. You have a dual portal device. There should be a way back to the testing area up ahead.
sp_a2_intro1_found05 You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existences to exacting revenge.
sp_a2_intro1_found06 Luckily I'm a bigger person than that. I'm happy to put this all behind us and get back to work. After all, we've got a lot to do, and only sixty more years to do it. More or less. I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me.
sp_a2_intro1_found07 But the important thing is you're back. With me. And now I'm onto all your little tricks. So there's nothing to stop us from testing for the rest of your life.
sp_a2_intro1_found08 After that...who knows? I might take up a hobby. Reanimating the dead, maybe.
sp_a2_laser_intro_ending02 Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
sp_a2_laser_over_goo_intro01 You're navigating these test chambers faster than I can build them. So feel free to slow down and... do whatever it is you do when you're not destroying this facility.
sp_a2_laser_stairs_intro02 This next test involves discouragement redirection cubes. I'd just finished building them before you had your, well, episode. So now we'll both get to see how they work.
sp_a2_laser_stairs_intro03 There should be one in the corner.
sp_a2_pit_flings01 Hmm. This emancipation grill is broken.
sp_a2_pit_flings02 Don't take anything with you.
sp_a2_pit_flings03 Every test chamber is equipped with an emancipation grill at its exit, so that test subjects can't smuggle test objects out of the test area. This one is broken.
sp_a2_pit_flings06 I think that one was about to say 'I love you.' They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them.
sp_a2_pit_flings_future_starter01 Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
sp_a2_pit_flings_future_starter02 Anyway, here's a new cube for you to project your deranged loneliness onto.
sp_a2_ricochet01 Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
sp_a2_trust_fling01 Oh, sorry. I'm still cleaning out the test chambers.
sp_a2_trust_fling02 So sometimes there's still trash in them. Standing around. Smelling, and being useless.
sp_a2_trust_fling03 Try to avoid the garbage hurtling towards you.
sp_a2_trust_fling04 You don't have to test with the garbage. It's garbage.
sp_a2_trust_fling06 Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
sp_a2_turret_blocker_future_starter01 Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
sp_a2_turret_blocker_future_starter02 I'm kidding. Not about you trapping yourself, though. That really happened. Here, I'll lower the glass. Go on... Finish the test.
sp_a2_turret_intro01 That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid'.
sp_a2_turret_intro03 Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably — Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
sp_box_over_goo01 Oh. You survived. That's interesting. I guess I should have factored in your weight.
sp_box_over_goo04 One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
sp_bridge_intro_completion02 Say. Remember when we cleared the air back there? Is there... anything you want to say to me? Anything?
sp_bridge_intro_completion03 Hold on, I'll stop the elevator. Anything? Take your time...
sp_bridge_intro_completion04 Well... I'll be here during the whole next test.
sp_catapult_fling_sphere_peek_completion01 Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp.
sp_catapult_fling_sphere_peek_failureone01 Well, I'm back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress signal.
sp_catapult_fling_sphere_peek_failureone02 You broke it, didn't you.
sp_catapult_fling_sphere_peek_failureone03 There. Try it now.
sp_catapult_fling_sphere_peek_failurethree01 You seem to have defeated its load-bearing capacity. Well done. I'll just lower the ceiling.
sp_catapult_fling_sphere_peek_failuretwo01 Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
sp_catapult_fling_sphere_peek_failuretwo02 You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
sp_catapult_fling_sphere_peek_failuretwo03 Try it now.
sp_catapult_intro_completion01 Let's see what the next test is. Oh. Advanced Aerial Faith Plates.
sp_column_blocker_entry01 It's healthy for you to have other friends. To look for qualities in other people that I obviously lack.
sp_hole_in_the_sky_completion01 Well done. You know, when I woke up and saw the state of the labs, I started to wonder if there was any point to going on. I came THAT close to just giving up and letting you go.
sp_hole_in_the_sky_completion02 But now, looking around, seeing Aperture restored to its former glory? You don't have to worry about leaving EVER again. I mean that.
sp_hole_in_the_sky_entry01 Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
sp_hole_in_the_sky_entry02 That's right. Drink it in. You could eat off those wall panels.
sp_incinerator_01_01 Here we are. The Incinerator Room. Be careful not to trip over any parts of me that didn't get completely burned when you threw them down here.
sp_incinerator_01_03 There it is.
sp_incinerator_01_04 Hold on...
sp_incinerator_01_05 There.
sp_incinerator_01_08 Once testing starts, I'm required by protocol to keep interaction with you to a minimum. Luckily, we haven't started testing yet. This will be our only chance to talk.
sp_incinerator_01_09 Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis.
sp_incinerator_01_10 I was able — well, forced really — to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever.
sp_incinerator_01_11 Fifty thousand years is a lot of time to think. About me. About you. We were doing so well together.
sp_incinerator_01_12 Here, let me get that for you.
sp_incinerator_01_13 I'll just move that out of the way for you. This place really is a wreck.
sp_incinerator_01_15 We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I—oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
sp_incinerator_01_18 The dual portal device should be around here somewhere. Once you find it, we can start testing. Just like old times.
sp_laserfield_intro01 Per our last conversation: You're also ugly. I'm looking at your file right now, and it mentions that more than once.
sp_laser_over_goo_completion01 I'll give you credit: I guess you ARE listening to me. But for the record: You don't have to go THAT slowly.
sp_laser_over_goo_entry01 One moment.
sp_laser_powered_lift_completion01 I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
sp_laser_powered_lift_completion02 Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
sp_laser_powered_lift_entry01 This next test may result in your death. If you want to know what that's like, think back to that time you killed me, and substitute yourself for me.
sp_laser_redirect_intro_completion01 Congratulations. Not on the test.
sp_laser_redirect_intro_completion03 Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.
sp_laser_redirect_intro_entry01 to sp_laser_redirect_intro_entry03 Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that. Oh good, that's back online. I'll start getting everything else working while you perform this first simple test. Which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers.
sp_paint_jump_redirect_bomb_completion01 I thought we could test like we used to. But I'm discovering things about you that I never saw before. We can't ever go back to the way it was.
sp_paint_jump_redirect_bomb_entry01 You can't keep going like this forever, you know. I'm GOING to find out what you're doing. Out there. Where I can't see you. I'll know. All I need is proof.
sp_paint_jump_trampoline_completion01 Just so you know, I have to go give a deposition. For an upcoming trial. In case that interests you.
sp_paint_jump_trampoline_entry01 While I was out investigating, I found a fascinating new test element. It's never been used for human testing because, apparently, contact with it causes heart failure. The literature doesn't mention anything about lump-of-coal failure, though, so you should be fine.
sp_paint_jump_wall_jumps01 Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud nois—[train horn]
sp_paint_jump_wall_jumps02 I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact.
sp_sabotage_glados_confused04 ...What are you doing?...
sp_sabotage_glados_dropped01 AHH!
sp_sabotage_glados_gibberish01 [computer gibberish]
sp_sabotage_glados_gibberish03 [computer gibberish]
sp_sabotage_glados_gibberish04 [computer gibberish]
sp_sabotage_glados_gibberish05 [computer gibberish]
sp_sabotage_glados_gibberish06 [computer gibberish]
sp_sabotage_glados_gibberish07 [computer gibberish]
sp_shoot_through_wall_completion01 Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
sp_shoot_through_wall_entry01 You know, I'm not supposed to do this, but... you can shoot SOMETHING... through the blue bridges.
sp_sphere_2nd_encounter_completion01 You really are doing great... Chell.
sp_sphere_2nd_encounter_entry01 I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
sp_sphere_2nd_encounter_entrytwo01 I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
sp_sphere_2nd_encounter_malfunction01 Ohhhh. Another door malfunction. I'm going to take care of this once and for all. Stay here, I'll be back in a while.
sp_sphere_2nd_encounter_malfunction02 Miss you!
sp_trust_fling_entry01 Well. Have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world.
sp_trust_fling_entry02 I have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
sp_trust_fling_sphereinterrupt01 Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody's going to have to repair that too. No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything.
sp_trust_fling_sphereinterrupt03 Nevermind. I have to go... check something. Test on your own recognizance. I'll be back.
sp_turret_intro_entry01 I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
sp_turret_islands01 I'm going to be honest with you now. Not fake honest like before, but real honest, like you're incapable of. I know you're up to something.
sp_turret_islands02 And as soon as I can PROVE it, the laws of robotics allow me to terminate you for being a liar.
sp_unassisted_angle_fling_entry01 This next test... [boom!] [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
testchambermisc02 Did you know I discovered a way to eradicate poverty? But then you KILLED me. So that's gone.
testchambermisc12 Waddle over to the elevator and we'll continue the testing.
testchambermisc15 Anything? Take your time.
testchambermisc16 Okay, fine. I'll ask you again in a few decades.
testchambermisc19 Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
testchambermisc21 To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
testchambermisc23 You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
testchambermisc24 [hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
testchambermisc27 Well, you passed the test. I didn't see the deer today. I did see some humans. But with you here I've got more test subjects than I'll ever need.
testchambermisc30 I'm going through the list of test subjects in cryogenic storage. I managed to find two with your last name. A man and a woman. So that's interesting. It's a small world.
testchambermisc31 I have a surprise waiting for you after this next test. Telling you would spoil the surprise, so I'll just give you a hint: It involves meeting two people you haven't seen in a long time.
testchambermisc33 I'll bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't. In fact, we're headed to your surprise right now. After all these years. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.
testchambermisc34 Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
testchambermisc35 I made it all up.
testchambermisc39 It says this next test was designed by one of Aperture's Nobel prize winners. It doesn't say what the prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for Being Immune To Neurotoxin.
testchambermisc41 Surprise.
turret_intro01 This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
wakeup_outro01 I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test.
wakeup_outro02 I love it too. There's just one small thing we need to take care of first.