This subject is related to the Portal 2 era.


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This subject is related to the Portal 2 era.

Commentary node transparent.png This is a quote article.

This article is a transcript of all of the quotes from a given character or entity. Unless noted otherwise, these transcripts are sourced directly from the official scripts, closed captions, or internal text data with only minimal modifications for typos and formatting purposes.

The following is a list of quotes from Grady.

Aperture Desk Job‎[edit]

Location: sound/vo/grady

Quote File
Wait a minute, that's... that's not right...
I think I put the wrong tape in. Hold on...
OK, Here we go.
They don't give out overalls anymore.
My name's Grady, you can call me that. I mean, let's do introductions later, you should really already be... honestly I'm surprised you're not fired already.
Anyway, you are a... 'Product Inspector.'
That is your inspection desk there in front of you. You'll be inspecting... uh. Okay. Doesn't say. Anyway, something is gonna come down the conveyor belt. Whatever it is, make sure it works. Once you've done that... keep doing... that. That's the whole job.
Anyway, just remember: the important thing is to have fun. On your own time, before you come in. Otherwise it's just... it's real bad here... It's fine. You'll probably be fine.
Good luck!
Dadgumit. I left the volume down. Hold on.
[exhales] OK. Good. You heard the important part.
Wait wait. Hold on.
Have they ALL been smoking?
You know what? It's not our job to test if the toilet's on fire, right? Just do your regular thing like normal, move it down the line, and then it's somebody else's problem.
Is the fired light -- it's not on, is it? I don't even want to look.
OK, good. You're not fired.
Good, that works. Keep going, let's get it out of here.
You're doing real good. Keep going.
Yeah, keep going, keep going.
Let's just get it out of here.
Perfect, perfect perfect. Keep going, keep going.
You are doing great. Keep going.
It flushes, let's keep it rolling!
Great. Keep going!
Do you hear that? Hold on, let me take a look.
Yeah, keep testing it. I think there's a jam in here.
Keep testing it.
Hey, could you test it again? I'm gonna watch and see what happens.
Can you get me out of here, please? Thank you.
Can you get me out of here please?
Are you pressing something? Try pressing something.
Just try... just try it. Try pressing something.
For the record, I'm not claustrophobic, I just don't want to be in here. I think that's completely reasonable.
Also, keep an eye on that fired light. If it goes on I need to know.
Nope. I'm just wet now.
So. I am made of metal. I mean, this is like you're just spraying me with acid.
I know you probably don't realize this? But... you just keep spraying me with this water.
I think that's... all that button does is open and close the lid.
Because the lid keeps hitting me in the back of the head. That's how I know what that button does. And also why I'm pointing it out.
Yeah. I mean, this is what that button does. It's not gonna start doing something else.
No. No, that's just pushing me deeper in.
Are you... What is your plan? Is your plan to just push me out the other end? Because I don't... it's not working.
OK OK, I get it, it is funny, it's hilarious. But it's also crushing me to death.
Please stop, please stop stop stop stop please stop...
I'm gonna be... just stop it. No, I'm gonna be real sick.
I'm gonna be so sick, dude. Just stop it. Stop it.
Not that button.
Not that one.
Alright, yeah, that's not working.
Definitely not that one. Just another button.
I mean.. you know what you're doing, but I just... don't think that's the right button.
You keep pressing that one button. I don't think that's the right button.
That's it! That's it! Hold the button down!
Hold that button down, that was it!
It's working! Keep doing that!
It's working! Keep pressing the button!
It's working!
Flush it! Get it out of here!
Flush it! Get it down the line!
So... first off: I think we are in a lot of trouble here. Now: I also think we're going to be rich, because I think you just invented something!
OK. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna go work on this. In secret. Just... You go back and pretend to go back to work. Right? Like, it's gotta look good. I mean, just pretend the most you've ever... You know what, just go back to work actually. Yeah that works.
I'll be back!
You think your job's bad? I mean... Your job is bad.
It's the worst job at the company, way worse than mine.
I shouldn't have made it sound like we were competing.
But my job's pretty bad too. My job is, I have to fire you if you don't do your job. That's a lot of stress.
I mean... alright, it's the firing light's job to fire you. But it's MY job to do what the light says, alright? I mean, I don't get a vote.
Do you have a wife? Or a husband? Are they nice?
Can I come visit some time? That'd be cool.
I don't know if you have management rails at your place, I need those to get around.
Oh, wait. I guess we'd need to build a management rail to your house too. Wow, that's a lot.
Probably easier to bring whoever it is you're married to here. I mean, assuming you're married.
Hey... I'm back! Yeah! I'm back! Uh, first off: You did awesome pretending to calibrate all those toilets. The best. Alright, are you ready for this? Pressssssenting...
Presennnnnnting... pressthebutton...
Presennnnnnting... pressthebutton,pressthebutton...
Pressthebutton... pressthebutton... you're not pressing the button...
You're not pressing the button, press the button... I mean, this is good, it's so good, but...
Presenting... still presenting... about to be presennnnting... about almost time any minute now if you press the button...
Presenting... still. I mean, we're still presenting... about to be presennnnting... any moment... any minute now if you press that button we will be presenting...
You're not pressing the button. Just press it. It's a button you press.
...presenting the Aperture Science Turret!
Go on! Take it for a spin!
The controls are right there on your desk.
I mean, right... the controls are right there.
Go ahead and just... yeah, there you go... Just ease into it. No pressure.
Left trigger to open the wings. Right stick to aim. And right trigger to shoot. Give it a shot.
It's the buttons that just opened up on the desk. Seriously, this is the best part.
No, not those buttons, press the new button. The one that's lit up.
It's the one lighting up. Just press that one and we should be good.
So, you did a great job pressing those buttons before, but we're done pressing those now. Forget about those buttons. We're pressing this better button now. The one lighting up.
Oh! And I haven't even showed you the best part. Here's the best part.
Aw, you gotta have the wings open, or it just shoots all its insides out. You know, I should have made that more clear. It's fine. It's fine.
You gotta open the wings first. Left trigger.
Okay, that's -- yeah, that's real close. You gotta open the wings.
Remember, left trigger opens those wings.
Let me get another one.
Let me get another one, I've got plenty more.
Lemme get a new one. I've got plenty more.
Shooting! You know what though? I mean, you're definitely gonna kill yourself with it pointed at you like that, so let me turn it around.
Shoot again, don't worry, it's safe. This time. This time it's safe, last time it wasn't, you almost died.
Go on, shoot. You're not gonna die this time, I promise.
No, go ahead. Shoot again.
Go ahead! I guarantee you're not gonna get shot, unless it ricochets off something. I guess that's still a possibility, so I don't want to say that. You know. That's still on the table.
Look, I hear you. It was dangerous the way it was before. Everybody knows that now. But it's clearly been fixed. There is nothing to worry about.
Go ahead and shoot again.
Wow! Holy moley, man, that is great!
Oh man, the turret broke. That was the only one, too.
But don't even worry about it, because here's what I've actually been working on.
Tadah! Introducing the Mark Two.
This is what I spent most of the six months on. It was one month for the first turret, and then like five for this bad boy.
Oh man. You got to take my picture with this. The desk should have a camera built into it.
Are you taking the picture?
I'm posing for it right now, this is my posing face, not my regular face.
I wasn't sure if you thought I stopped and this was what I just looked like regular.
Are you taking the picture? Are you taking the picture?
OK, good. Moment recorded. For all the history books.
Now for the fun part: you're gonna take it for a spin.
Here, let me turn it around.
OK, normally I'd walk you through everything, but I think you get it. Let's just open everything at once and see what happens.
Ok, go crazy. All those controls do something.
Oh, also some of the crates you're shooting might explode. Don't worry about that.
Seriously, go on. You're not gonna break it. I mean, I hope you don't break it, that's the only one.
Everything you can see on it shoots something. If it doesn't there's something wrong with it. Even the radar dish shoots, I think.
Wow! Right?
Oh, this is great. This thing shoots so good.
OK, a part fell off. Keep going, though.
OK, quite a bit's falling off.
Keep shooting! You're not doing this, this is a structural engineering problem, it's on me. You're doing great.
I bet it's the glue. I'm 99% convinced of that now, it even looked cheap when I bought it.
I remember looking at it like, 'Awwww, spend the extra dollar,' and -- yep. Here we are.
Keep shooting!
Keep shooting, you're doing great.
Try again! You're doing real good!
Keep shooting! You're doing great!
Try again, just try again! You're doing real good!
Keep shooting, I think you're getting the hang of it.
Wow! That -- so some of the stuff I put on there just didn't work. Most of it, like 90% or even higher maybe... but! Some of it worked GREAT! So all we have to do is keep the great stuff and then we can--
So... OK, that's the police.
So. One of us... needs to streamline this turret, right? And one of us... needs to take the fall for shooting up the warehouse.
Because they're -- this is a lot of damage, they're gonna look into this.
Which job -- which job do you want? How about I fix the turret, and you take -- yeah, I'll do that part.
Remember, if anyone asks, you don't know me! OK? Don't say anything!
Hey. I mean... Wow!...You are the best. Thanks for keeping your mouth shut and doing your time.
I mean, it was way more time than either of us were expecting. I don't know what was in those boxes we blew up. But they were -- wow, were they mad.
Anyway, I promise you are not gonna regret this. Let's get you out of here.
Hey. Don't listen to her. You don't need to worry about reporting to your parole officer.
Guess who spent the last eighteen months getting his probation agent license through the mail?
Yep. Me. That's right. I'm your parole officer.
I mean, not just you, I'm managing like seven guys on parole right now. But they're basically re-integrated back into society. Well, not Tony, he's struggling a little, but--
Anyway. That's not all I was doing. I got something to show you. Let's get out of here!
Oh. Bring your desk.
OK. I streamlined the turret while you were gone. Introducing the Mark Three!
I got rid of all the parts that fell off and just kept the stuff that worked.
I mean, it was totally over-engineered. So it just does one thing now: it shoots.
[exhales] It didn't need a satellite dish. That was just dumb.
Here, try it out on these appliances I found. They were just lying around in the Housewares Research Department, in a locked room.
It's just like the Mark 1. Left trigger opens the wings. Right stick to aim. Right trigger to shoot.
Don't worry. You won't go back to prison this time. I'm saying this as your parole officer. It is OK to shoot these appliances.
Go on, shoot. I know the last time you shot, you had to do eighteen months hard time. I'd be hesitant too. But just trust me. Nobody is gonna miss these appliances.
I basically found these appliances. They were practically abandoned. Somebody locked them in a room and abandoned them. Nobody is gonna miss them or press charges if we shoot them.
Look, I'm gonna go ahead and say I need you to shoot these appliances as a condition of your parole.
I like that tattoo on your neck. Did you do that yourself? It's like a dragon holding a knife? It's nice.
I don't know how you got the perspective so good on the dragon, but it is genuinely scary. It's like it's coming out of your neck right at me.
The more I look at that tattoo, the more I'm thinking we should both have it, because then we'd be tattoo bros. Anybody would be able to look at us and know we're friends.
You think you could give me the same tattoo? Would that be weird? It would be weird having the same exact one. I'll think of one.
What about like a robot arm coming out of the side of my head and it's holding a wrench? So you've got the dragon and the knife, and mine's similar but more robot-themed.
You are killing it.
Wow, you are doing great.
This is working way better than I even expected.
Man, that'd be cool. Oh, speaking of being cool, I've got something even better to show you: Gyroscopic Controls.
It's real easy: Just pick up the desk, tilt it around to aim, and keep that thumb on the right thumbstick.
And you shoot with the right trigger, like normal. Go on, try it!
Tilt the desk to aim it. Keep that thumb on the stick. Right trigger to shoot. Take it slow, you'll get it.
Right thumb on the stick. Right trigger to shoot. Tilt the desk to aim.
I do know. It was a hard eighteen months. So... just take your time.
How much did the tattoo hurt? When you gave it to yourself. Did you have the proper tools? I would bet not, actually, now that I'm thinking about it.
You probably had to heat up a pen with a lighter or something. That sounds... I mean, that sounds pretty awesome.
Another tattoo idea I just had was instead of a robot hand coming out holding a wrench, what if it was like a skeleton hand? So you're looking at it like, 'What's he trying to say, is he human on the inside? Or does he have, like, a skeleton trapped in him?'
You know what? Skeleton arm tattoo. I decided. That's the one I want. So when we get a free minute, I'll find a pen and we can heat up that lighter.
It doesn't seem like prison's changed you. That's really nice. That's one thing I really like about you. You don't let prison break you down.
You've really bounced back, I've noticed. It can be a real shock, there's a lot to adjust to.
Just set small goals. You know? One goal a day. That's what I would do.
I'm saying that as your friend, not just as your parole officer.
Alright, everything checks out. This thing is perfect, I think we're good to go here.
So I was saving the best for last, while you were in jail, I got us a meeting to show our turret to Cave Johnson. That's right: the owner of the company.
No pressure. But if he likes this, he is going to make us rich, forever. Are you ready? Let's go.
What are you going to do with your share of the money? I know what I'm going to do is pay off the money I borrowed to make this turret. Like immediately pay it off, or I'll be in some real trouble. Plus the vig. I'll have to pay that too. [exhales] Does it make sense to you that the vig is more than what I borrowed in the first place? It doesn't seem like-
That's weird. Somebody overrode the controls. Hold on...
Huh. That's one of the appliances I stole from Housewares.
Oh jeez, it's got a gun!
It's an ambush!
Come on, come on...
OK! I got control of the platform back!
Man, he got that turret good, huh? Good thing I brought a couple spares.
Yeah, that one looks good. OK. Crisis averted.
Mr. Johnson is going to love this turret. LOVE it.
Oh no.
The elevator stopped again!
I knew it! It's the Housewares Department! How did they find out about our turret?
I can't believe it! They stole our idea! And now they're gonna kill us with it!
Housewares, man...
Keep 'em busy! I'll try to get the elevator running!
They're never going to stop coming. We need to think of something else.
What are we gonna do?
They're never gonna stop ambushing us. I mean, it's not really an ambush anymore, we know they're coming. But I don't think they're gonna stop coming though. We need to think of something else.
I really think they're gonna keep coming for, like, basically forever.
Oh. There IS some kind of switch back there...
Shoot the speed-up switch in the back!
Hit the switch!
You need to hit that switch!
You gotta shoot the switch in the back there.
Housewares, man. Can you believe it. Those guys are such pieces of ' What did we ever do to them?
Oh, come on, I don't believe it. Rrrgh, HOUSEWARES!
Nice work. I got the elevator working again. But we have another eighty floors before we get to Cave. We're not going to survive eighty ambushes in a row.
Your desk should have some buttons on the underside of it. Those vent the nitrous tanks they got built into the desk. They put those on there standard now for safety reasons.
Your desk should have some buttons on the underside of it. Those fire the rockets they got built into the desk. They put those standard on there now for safety reasons.
So: if you hit all four buttons at once, it should rocket us up through all eighty levels real fast, and then up through the floor of Cave's office.
It's also just now occurring to me there's no roof on this elevator, it's more of a platform. But... You know what? Let's do it anyway.
Alright, go ahead and hit the four buttons all at once.
Should be four buttons in the back there. Just gotta hit 'em all at once.
Hit all four buttons at once.
You gotta hit all four!
All four in the back! All four at once!
Here we go!
Let me get you a new turret. I didn't bring a ton of these, though. That might be my last one. Maybe two more.
Alright, here's another one, no big deal. But remember, it is sort of a big deal, there's only one left.
OK, new turret. Last turret too. Last one, so -- no pressure.
I lied. I had one more. But it's for emergencies only.
Alright, this is the prototype I wanted to show Cave. I really didn't want to use this, this was for display only.
I have plenty of these. It's basically a limitless supply. But they do cost money, alright? That's not limitless, that's very real.
I didn't want to tell you how much each one of these costs, I wanted you to focus, but... forty thousand dollars. Each one, every time.
Another turret. Look, those guys I borrowed money from said they're going to kill me if I don't pay them back and this isn't making that easier.
Okay, one more. I didn't want to mention it, but they said they'd kill you too. So...
Oh boy...
One more...
Forty. Thousan-- it's okay. It's fine.
OK. Really nice work. Good shooting. I think we're good from here. They probably gave up. I'd have given up by now.
[exhales] OK. Let's go show this thing to Cave.
Also, I do have one quick confession: I didn't actually get an appointment with Cave Johnson. I lied about that.
But it turns out -- I didn't know this -- it turns out nobody's seen him in years. I DID know it when I lied to you about our appointment. But it was still pretty new information. Anyway, I'm not gonna lie to you anymore.
[exhales] I think he might be a millionaire recluse now. So... be ready for that. There might be a lot of jars.
Looks like no one's been here in a while.
Hello? Mister Johnson?
Let's just go in.
Mr. Johnson? Are you here?
I... you... You... are in luck. We actually came up here to show you our new invention!
Show him, partner!
It's something the two of us invented, sir. We came up here to show you. I think it might be the answer to your problem.
Show him, partner...
[whispering] Look I get it. It feels weird to shoot at the boss. But it's what he wants.
[whispering] I don't know if you're having, like, a moral crisis. But... Look: yes, he is our boss. Which, typically, we wouldn't shoot him. But he's actually getting really angry that we are not shooting him right now.
[whispering] I totally understand you don't want to shoot this turret at our boss. But I don't make the rules. You know, of life. This is the situation we're in.
[whispering] Look, it's getting actually uncomfortable now. We are starting to look like psychos for NOT shooting at him.
[whispering] Show him!
[whispering] The turret! Shoot the turret!
[whispering] Shoot the turret at HIM!
[whispering] Shoot the turret at him!
That's it!
A crack! I think it's working!
Good call, sir! Keep shooting!
Did you hear that? He loves it!
He called us geniuses!
Oh no.
You are made of metal, sir.
We're going, sir! [whispering] Keep shooting him!
Just a technical issue, sir! [whispering] Don't stop! Shoot him!
We're good! Everything's good! [whispering] Keep shooting!
Just letting the turret cool down, sir. [whispering] The turret doesn't need to cool down. Just shoot!
Hey! You see that? I think that's his power source.
What do you think?
I think we should do it. I mean, don't tell him we're doing it. But it's a good idea to shoot the plug.
Go ahead! Shoot the plug!
Go ahead! Shoot the plug!
You know what? It just occurred to me that the only person who knows Cave Johnson asked us to kill him is now dead.
[sigh] Yeah.
Do you know what the punishment for murder is? They told us in parole officer school. You're not gonna like this. It's life. It's your whole life. In prison.
We should... yeah. We should leave. Don't touch anything. And bring the desk.
Morning, Charlie! It's me, Gary. Gary your boss. Keep inspecting those toilets. Good work, good stuff. Good--
Hey! It's just me, Grady! Just like yesterday! Man, this witness protection program is great!
I don't know why we didn't turn state's evidence against those loan sharks in the first place! We don't have to pay any of the money back, we got cool new names. I like yours a lot, by the way.
You know, come to think of it, you'd think they would have moved us to another state... Or given us new jobs or something. Feels like everything is exactly the same except our first names.
Ah, you know what? They know what they're doing.
Anyway, see you tomorrow, Charlie.
This is great.
That works.
I mean... holy heck!
Holy moley! That is great!
Look at you.
This is great!
Press... you gotta press the button. Presennnntinnnng... yes, button... Presennnntinnnng...
And that's not all. I've got something even better to show you: Gyroscopic Controls.
We need to find his weak spot!
Keep shooting! I think it's working!
Don't stop, it's working!
It's working great, sir!
I don't think it is working. But keep shooting, it's making him happy.
He's gotta die eventually, right? Like of something. All he has to do is die of something else before we run out of bullets and we'll get the credit.
I'll tell you one thing we are destroying, is everything else in his office. Man, we are tearing this place up. Don't stop though.
Maybe if we shoot everything in his office, he'll die of sadness. I'd be bummed, you know. This is nice stuff.
Test it! Get it out of here!
Alright, something else fell off. You can still shoot everything else, don't even worry about it.